Scars
by All-Things-TMNT
Summary: Weeks after the events of Trust, Raphael still struggles to accept everything that happened. And when he finally reaches his tipping point, what can he do to take the pain away? Sequel to Trust, multiple P.O.V.'s.
1. Chapter 1

This was it, there was no turning back for me at this point.  
>I wasn't trying to think, just trying to ran faster and faster.<br>Nothing was going to stop me this time. Absolutely nothing.  
>The others, they didn't get it. They never did.<br>Not the way that I did, and this was going to help them understand.  
>This was going to help me feel better.<br>Splinter was wrong, Leo was wrong, all of them were wrong.  
>And I couldn't for the life of me figure out why they couldn't understand it.<br>Once it's gone, it isn't something so easily regained.  
><strong><em>Trust <em>**is almost impossible to rebuild once it's been destroyed. 

* * *

><p><strong>***Post <strong>**_Trust_****,****_ post Slash and Destroy_**_._

_**Raphael's P.O.V.**_

_"I learned that no matter what it means," Leo said. "Master Splinter is going to do whatever he thinks is right for us. I __**trust**__ him, Raph, and you should too. He's our father. Regardless of what happened then, tonight, and what happens tomorrow, I'll always __**trust**__ him. There's a point to everything he does, and when he see's it fit, he'll explain it to us too."  
>I could only stare at him, speechless.<br>I wasn't really staring at his face…no, I was staring at the slash in his shoulder.  
>It was fucking dripping blood as he sat there on Donnie's lab table. He didn't seem to notice it at all.<br>In fact, he didn't seem to care at all, because he pushed himself up and off of the makeshift bed.  
>What the fuck was he doing?<br>"It's okay, Raph," he said walking past me. "__**Trust **__me, and think about what I said."  
>"Leo, dude, you're bleeding!" I said as I was turning to face him. "I need to get Donnie back in here to-"<br>I chocked on the air. Leo was standing with Splinter, and both were facing me. All the while, Leo was still bleeding from his shoulder where he got hit by Karai…was he bleeding more?  
>"Leo, what are you doing?" I barked. "Get the fuck away from him."<br>I glared at Splinter, then back at Leo's wound. My eyes were constantly back and fourth between the two.  
>Splinter's hand landed lightly on Leo's shoulder, still gushing out blood.<br>I stood there, watching my older brother bleed to death in front of our father who was the cause.  
>What the fuck was even happening?<br>"Leo," I could barely speak, I was too freaked out at this point. "Leo, you need help, you're bleeding way too much. We need to get Donnie in here and-"  
>"<em>_**Trust**__ me, Raph, it's okay," was all he said.  
>Out of nowhere, Splinter pulled out a sword and raised it above Leo's head.<br>"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I demanded.  
>My hands shot to my belt for my Sais. They weren't there. I had no way to save Leo…<br>"__**Trust**__ me," was all Leo said.  
>I watched completely frozen in place as he drove the blade into Leo's shoulder.<br>Leo's eyes went wide as he crumpled to the floor beneath him. I couldn't force myself to look away. Splinter didn't even take the sword out of him…  
>"<em>_**Trust**__ me, Raph," Leo said as he fell face first.  
>And he was dead. I knew he was fucking dead. I had just watched my father kill my older brother.<em>

_I screamed. I struggled to stay standing and I screamed words I'd never said in the presence of my father before.  
>Wait, no…I had said things like this to Splinter…hadn't I? I knew I did, I knew that something wasn't right. That there was something I wasn't remembering. The sight of my brother dead at the feet of our father was literally blocking every memory I was trying to call back.<br>Above the confusion, the sadness, and the shock, there was pure, untouchable hatred, anger.  
>I was going to fucking kill Splinter, right then and there. I was going to pull that sword out of Leo and kill Splinter…as soon as I could force myself to move.<br>With every passing second, I felt my body tense up, ready to work again.  
>I slid one foot back, ready to jump into a sprint…<br>"You cannot kill me, Raphael," Splinter read my thoughts. "__**Trust**__ me, my son, you cannot kill me."  
>His words pushed me over the edge, and the fact that he had the audacity to call me his son fueled the fire of my hatred.<br>"__**Trust**__ me," he repeated Leo's words.  
>All this fucking <em>_**trust**__ bullshit. I didn't __**trust**__ him, I could never __**trust**__ him again.  
>Not after what he did.<br>But it was like he knew something, like he knew I couldn't kill him for some reason.  
>I was going to prove him wrong.<br>"__**Trust**__ me," he said again.  
>My body sprang forward, and I grabbed that sword from Leo's shoulder as gently as I could. Not that it mattered anymore…<br>Splinter kept his eyes on me as I charged towards him, not prepared to defend in anyway.  
>It didn't matter that he'd raised me, that he was my father. I sure as hell wasn't his son anymore.<br>"You don't deserve my __**trust**__," I screamed at him as I stabbed the blade straight for his heart.  
>But with all the rage I felt, I still had to close my eyes so I wouldn't see the sword actually pierce him.<em>

***  
>There was never an impact as I kept my eyes shut. I never felt the sword I was holding hit anything.<br>In fact…I didn't feel the sword in my hands anymore.  
>I took the chance and slowly opened my eyes. The ceiling of my bedroom greeted me, slightly illuminated by the dim glow from my Jack-o'-lantern lamp.<br>_Fuck, not again_.  
>I'd been having the same nightmare every time I slept since that night.<br>_That horrible night from hell_.  
>My hand automatically fell on Spike's bed that I kept on the nightstand next to my bed. Even though it was empty, I was hoping that touching it would bring me some form of calmness. It only hurt worse.<br>When I had that dream, it felt so real, and I believed it every single time. What sucked the most was that I couldn't wake up during the horrible part, when Leo would actually die. Logic told me maybe the pain of seeing that would shock me awake. No, I had to wake up right before the only good part would happen: when I would get to teach Splinter a lesson, make him pay for what he did.  
>In the three months since that night, so much had happened: Karai had actually captured Leo, which was a whole new hell scenario for me, and thank God we got him back unharmed. (And for whatever reason I will never understand, Leo and Splinter only seemed closer after that night. It was like the fact that Splinter let him get so hurt didn't matter). We battled Donnie's giant tub of slime when it went after April. Mikey exposed himself to mutagen and got sick, April came back and made peace with us, and Spike had mutated himself into Slash, the demon turtle from hell who wanted my brothers dead and expected me to be okay with that.<br>But at the heart of all of that, one thing really stuck out. With every day that passed since the night Karai almost killed Leo, I became more and more distant from my family, but mostly Splinter.  
>I just…I couldn't understand how they'd all moved on. I sure as hell hadn't.<br>At one point, I tried just completely disrespecting Leo's orders and not listening to him. My theory was if I didn't obey his commands, he wouldn't have to get hurt trying to save me. Donnie and Mikey played a long, either because they were afraid of defying me, or because they thought the same way I did. In fact, part of me wanted Leo to hate me, just so he wouldn't want to risk himself for me anymore. That only ended up getting him kidnapped by Karai and almost taken out _again_ by her new stupid robot toys.  
>I thought maybe Leo got over it because he had to be the perfect student and the perfect son, and perfection doesn't allow for you to stray away from your Sensei no matter what. Another part of me thought it had something to do with the fact that they had some super secret conversation the night we saved Leo from Karai the second time. He seemed pretty shaken up after that, but went back into perfect mode almost immediately afterwards. Like, the morning after. That night when I saw him leaving the dojo, he just looked so pale in the face and like he was going to throw up. When Mikey asked him what was wrong, he told us 'nothing' and went straight to his room where he locked the door. He stayed in there all throughout the night, and he even missed our morning workout.<br>At first I thought he finally maybe confronted Splinter about some hidden feelings of betrayal about the whole event, but no. Whatever conversation they had stayed strictly between them; Donnie, Mikey and I never got the privilege of knowing. And somehow it seemed like Leo and Splinter were closer than ever after those few hours of isolation.  
>It was sickening.<br>Had they all forgotten what happened that night?  
>The fact that Splinter disarmed Leo, and ended up letting him get stabbed by Karai? My brothers and I racing across the city to get Leo home before he bled to death? Taking on the Shredder without Leo? …<em>Until Splinter intervened and drew him away from us?<em>  
>…Okay, I guess I somewhat respected him for that…but it was nowhere near enough for me to acknowledge that in any way. The whole thing was his fault, and the night didn't end there.<br>From that point, we got Leo home only to discover that he was basically already dead.  
>And I remembered it, those moments when I thought my brother was gone.<p>

***  
><em>"Guys…"Donnie's voice was barely audible as Mikey and I kicked things out of the way so we could carry Leo. "Leo's not breathing."<br>The whole entire world fucking froze, and I swear that my heart had stopped with him. I remember feeling cold, like I was frozen in place. I remember I was so much more aware of everything around me.  
>I could hear Mikey's sharp intake of air. I could see Leo's chest perfectly still. I could feel my heart rate sporadically beat out of control.<br>Then everything was in fast motion.  
>I jumped to Leo's side, Donnie unable to move yet.<br>My hands we on Leo's shoulders and I was shaking him frantically.  
>"Don't you dare be dead, Leonardo!" I screamed at him. "You wake the fuck up and come back to us!"<br>The next thing I knew, Donnie's hands were on top of my own, guiding them to the center of Leo's chest.  
>"CPR, NOW," was all he said before taking off like a bat out of hell exiting the Shellraiser.<br>I started pushing up and down without wasting another second.  
>Mikey collapsed into heavy sobs on the ground behind me, but I paid him no attention. Leo was the only one that mattered.<br>"Fuck, fuck, fuck…" I muttered to myself as I realized I wasn't accomplishing anything.  
>Every pump I did on Leo's chest was useless. His body was like ice, his skin was a weird chalky green color and I could not get his heart to beat.<br>My brother was dead, but I refused to give up.  
>"Fuck, c'mon, Leo!" I begged him, starting to get frantic. "I need you to breathe, I need your heart to start pumping, ANYTHING!"<br>I was being way to rough and way too fast. My emotions were taking over as I desperately performed CPR on my older brother.  
>I couldn't accept that he was gone, not after growing up with him. Not after all that he did for me. Not with the way I often treated him, and never had apologized for it. Not after this night…<br>Tears were spilling out of my eyes as my hands kept going. I couldn't force them to stop, though clearly there was nothing I could do.  
>"Leo, Leo," I whispered to him. "Please…"<br>"MOVE!" Donnie's voice exploded from behind me.  
>He crashed into me knocking me out of the way and threw some giant box with wires and buttons and two pad things attached to it. He started hooking Leo up to all of these wires and Donnie looked insanely frantic.<br>"Donnie, what are you-" I started to ask, but immediately stopped myself.  
>Holy fuck…I knew what the box thing was.<br>A defibrillator, and an already-flat lining heart monitor.  
>I didn't even know we had one, and I did not want to watch Donnie use it, but I couldn't take my eyes off of Leo.<br>I heard a strange, escalating screech as Donnie rubbed the pads together, charging them.  
>"Come on…" Donnie whispered to himself.<br>I think he was trying to mentally prepare himself for what he was about to do…  
>He shoved the pads down onto Leo's plastron, and Leo's body jumped. I watched him for any signs of improvement. No effect, he remained completely still.<br>It was so fucked up to see, I couldn't bare to watch it happen again, but I had to. And I couldn't imagine being in Donnie's position, actually doing it…  
>I was holding my breath as Donnie began to rub the shock pads together once again.<br>"Donnie, STOP!" Mikey wailed hysterically from the corner.  
>I had completely forgotten Mikey was watching this too, and I couldn't imagine how badly this was fucking him up…<br>"COME ON!" Donnie roared, ignoring Mikey's plea and pressed those pads on Leo again.  
>God, the way his body spazzed…it made me want to hurl. I snapped my eyes shut, unable to see it happen a third time and trying to hold all those tears in.<br>There was an eerie silence as Donnie waited to see the result of his second attempt. I waited to here him charge them up again. I wondered how many times I could let him try before I would have to tear him away from Leo and tell him there was nothing that we could do.  
>A beeping sound. A slow, rhythmic beeping sound took over the silence.<br>It was so faint, but it was the loudest noise in the whole world at the same time…  
>I chanced it, and opened my eyes to see that the little heart monitor that Donnie had attached to Leo wasn't just a flat line anymore.<br>It had a pulse; a faint, weak pulse.  
>Leo had a pulse; a faint, weak pulse.<br>I let out the breath I had been holding.  
>There was so much tense stillness as the three of us stared at that little heartbeat, at our brother's life.<br>I'm not a soft person, but I will always think that the little heartbeat I saw on that screen was the most beautiful thing in the entire world, the entire universe, and the entire megaverse.  
>"Guys, c'mon, move!" Donnie sprang back into action. "We're not through yet."<br>Donnie and I, as quickly and gently as we possibly could, grabbed Leo and made a mad dash for his lab.  
>Mikey stayed in the Shellraiser, probably too spooked to move right away.<br>But he was instantly out f sight, out of mind.  
>My brother was still dying in my arms, and I didn't know if we could bring him back a second time if we needed to.<em>

I was done with the flashbacks. All they did was make me angry and upset and just fucking depressed.  
>I sat up and rubbed my eyes, reaching for my mask behind Spike's old bed. Tying it tightly around my head, I checked my alarm clock.<br>It was 10:43 in the morning…_opps_. I missed morning training.  
>Not that I really gave a shit if it bothered Splinter anymore.<br>This wasn't the first time I had missed it. My sleep pattern had gotten really messed up with all the nightmares. I slept through training quite a few times in the weeks after that night.  
>The first few times I missed, Splinter tried to approach me about it, but I didn't give him any attention. After a few vain attempts, he just sorta gave up. I think he finally took the hint.<br>I took a deep breath, not really wanting to get out of bed. The smell of Mikey's cooking filled my room, and I realized I was hungry.  
>So I forced myself up and walked into the kitchen, taking my seat at the table. Donnie and Mikey were in there.<br>"Morning," I said as I sat down.  
>I wasn't as mad at them as I was at Splinter and Leo. There was no sense in trying to pick a fight with them.<br>Donnie can get pretty feisty, and Mikey…well, if you make Mikey cry, there are few things in the world that hurt less.  
>Taking a sword to the chest and letting your son do that are not two of those things.<br>God was I bitter about it…  
>Both of them knew I was still weird about the whole thing, so they never really brought it up. They just lived with it. How, I didn't know. Why, I didn't understand.<br>"Morning," Donnie muttered, not really paying attention to me, focused on his mutagen scanner.  
>Mikey had been messing around and dropped it on the floor. He damaged a part of it and Donnie freaked out. Seriously, though, the thing was messed up. It started telling us there was mutagen in the microwave. So Donnie had spent the last three days fixing it, obsessed. Either that, or he just couldn't take it going off every five minutes.<br>"Good morning, Raph!" Mikey practically sang, dropping a plate before me.  
>I looked down to see what I assumed was pizza...but it also looked like an egg, toast, bacon…<br>"Uh," I took a fork and poked Mikey's creation. "What exactly is this?"  
>"Breakfast pizza, bro!" Mikey chimed proudly, settling into his own seat. "It's all of the things you love about breakfast with all of the greatness that is pizza! It's a masterpiece."<br>He passed a plate to Donnie who took one look at it, rolled his eyes, and went back to work. He also placed a plate at Leo's empty seat.  
>I watched as Mikey raised his piece to his mouth about to bite it. His looked different than mine…and I did not want to watch him eat it.<br>"How did you make this?" I asked, not too eager to eat it right away.  
>Mikey froze, and his eyes beamed with excitement. He was so proud of what he had made, and I was about to hear a monologue…<br>"Simple, bro," he crossed his arms with a smug look. "I've been studying what all of you guys like to eat the most for breakfast. And after weeks of intent study, I used my creative genius to engineer the most awesome pizzas dedicated to each of us!  
>"I like pancakes, waffles, and doughnuts the best, so that's what's on my pizza! With extra syrup dipping sauce, of course! It's a masterpiece, the perfect balance of deliciousness and awesomeness."<br>I stared at him, pretty grossed out. He didn't let my look deter him.  
>"Donnie likes fruit, so that's what's on his pizza. And sometimes he makes smoothies in the morning, so I made him a smoothie to dip it in…"<br>He leaned in close to me.  
>"The dipping sauce is just more fruit pizza," he whispered.<br>"I heard you, Mikey," Donnie said.  
>Mikey leaned back, stuck his tongue out at Donnie and continued.<br>"I know how much you like bacon and eggs with toast, so…that would be your pizza!"  
>I looked down, relieved my pizza didn't have any abnormality like fruit or doughnuts on it. So I just started dissecting it, pulling it apart so I could eat what was there. It was still breakfast…just in a different way.<br>"And last, for Leo, who likes his lame _Space Heroes_ cereal, I made his cereal pizza. His took my the longest, I had to debate on whether or not to take out the marshmallows, but I left them on. The more the better, right?"  
>"It's 'the more the merrier,' Mikey," Donnie corrected him.<br>"Whatever…" Mikey sighed. "And I made a big space ship on his pizza with the other pieces of cereal. HE's gonna love it!"  
>"Mhmm," I mumbled, focused on trying to salvage my breakfast. "Where is Leo anyway?"<br>"He's still in the dojo," Mikey settled back into his chair to eat.  
>"Leo and Splinter are meditating," Donnie added.<br>"You know," Mikey commented "He and Splinter seemed a little weird this morning in training…"  
>"How so?" I looked up while stuffing my mouth with the bits of scrambled egg I'd detached from the pizza.<br>All in all, Mikey was a good cook. He just made some interesting dishes sometimes.  
>"Well, you'd know if you bothered to wake up for morning training every once in a while," Donnie said, looking at me.<br>I swallowed hard. Donnie knew better than to aggravate me, didn't he?  
>"Yeah well," I sighed. "Hard to respect a guy who almost let your brother get killed."<br>"Raph, don't you know what today's date is?" Donnie asked.  
>He put down his mutagen tracker and focused directly on me. This was a serious matter, apparently.<br>"The 18th?" I asked.  
>"No, today would be the-"<br>"The 21st!" Mikey exploded.  
>Donnie rolled his eyes again and nodded.<br>"Yes, the 21st of February."  
>Hah, my little brother never missed an opportunity to be right when he could.<br>"So what does that have to do with Splinter and Leo?" I wondered aloud.  
>"Not so much Leo," Donnie pointed out. "I think he's just trying to be there for Sensei. Today would have been his daughter, Miwa's 16th birthday."<br>"Oh," was all I could say.  
>I'm not a completely heartless person. I'm tough, but I'm not heartless.<br>Splinter lost his family in his human life, and I had always respected that. But this year, I couldn't force myself to feel bad about it. Maybe I was heartless, but you know, seeing your father let your brother almost die might just do that to ya.  
>And thinking Leo was dead did basically rip my heart out.<br>So I just continued chewing my food, hoping we wouldn't have to talk about 'poor' Splinter anymore. It was apparent his feelings were more important than my own, anyway.  
>It was obvious that I was so distant towards him, yet none of my brothers talked to me about it.<br>Not even Leo…who walked into the room the second I thought about him.  
>"Hey guys," he greeted all of us.<br>"How's Sensei?" Donnie asked, picking back up his mutagen scanner.  
>Well, I guess it wasn't a topic we were going to drop so easily, because life has a way of bringing up the things you want to avoid.<br>Maybe that was karma…not that I had done anything to deserve any bad karma.  
>…Okay, I unintentionally sent a mutant assassin turtle after my brothers, but it was unintentional, and we all made it out.<br>Leo took his seat across from me and my eyes instantly fell to his collarbone. My fists balled out of habit.  
>Leo's shoulder, where Karai had stabbed him, was covered in <strong><em>scars<em>**.  
>And it hurt so bad, every time I saw them.<br>"Same as he is every year," Leo answered, inspecting his plate. "Mikey, why is my _Space Heroes_ cereal on this pizza?"  
>I tuned out the conversation, not ready to listen to Mikey's explanation of the birth of "breakfast pizza" again.<br>I could not take my eyes off of Leo's **_scars_**. It was the same way every time I saw him now. My eyes stayed locked on the mark that would forever remind me of that night.  
>One night, I asked Donnie if they'd ever go away. He told me they would fade, but they were permanent. <em>Great<em>.  
>"Right…" Leo finally said. "I'm not really hungry…Anyways, I think we should do our best to distract Sensei today, guys."<br>I almost snorted. Like he deserved to feel any better about the day. I didn't know Miwa, but my brother was more important to me than she was.  
><em>Alright, maybe I am heartless.<em>  
>"He does seem to have it worse this year than any other year," Donnie said. "Any ideas why?"<br>Leo tensed. I swear, I fucking saw him tense.  
>He knew the reason why, but he wasn't going to fucking tell us. Especially since Mikey and Donnie didn't see it happen. But I didn't expect anything less from Splinter's perfect student and apparent favorite.<br>Part of me was beginning to believe that Leo was getting all this attention because it was supposed to make up for what happened; it was supposed to erase those **_scars_**.  
>But all forms of <strong><em>scars<em>** are permanent, and Leo was an idiot for taking that bait.  
>"I got nothing," Mikey said after he finished drinking the syrup from his cup.<br>"I think after a while, the loss is just wearing on him," Leo muttered, poking his pizza with a fork.  
>I wanted to challenge him on it, I wanted to call him out of knowing, but I kept my mouth shut.<br>I waited to see if he had the guts to tell us.  
>"I think we should go back for more training, though," Leo told us. "It's a good way to distract Sensei because he's monitoring and judging us when he's doing that."<br>"Hm," Donnie pursed his lips. "That's actually not a bad idea."  
>"If it makes him feel better, I'm down," Mikey said, now licking the empty syrup cup. "But if I get hit, I won't make you anymore breakfast pizza since it was your idea, Leo."<br>"I think I can accept that, Mikey," Leo laughed.  
>He then turned to face me. I quickly averted my eyes, trying not to let him know what I was staring at.<br>"You good, Raph?" he asked me, smiling sadly.  
>He was being gentle with me. He had been doing that ever since that night. He knew it fucked me up, though he never directly approached me about it. He just gave me little signs, like those guilt-ridden smiles, trying to let me know that it was okay.<br>But it was not okay, and it never would be.  
>Still, I couldn't be hard on the guy; he almost died for me…three times? Four?<br>_Shit_.  
>The fact that I was losing count was really unsettling, and my sudden realization weighed down on me like four tons of invisible weight on my shoulders.<br>Suddenly, I was suffocating. There wasn't enough air in the room.  
>I tried not to, I really did, because I know he was looking at me, but my eyes fell back to Leo's shoulder anyway.<br>He instantly frowned and turned away so I couldn't see them anymore.  
>"Sure," I somehow managed to answer.<br>Did I want to go in the room and train feeling like this? _No_. Did I want to do anything to help Splinter in any way possible? _Absolutely not_.  
>Did I need to get out of that kitchen and breathe? <em>Yes. One thousand times yes<em>.  
>I was the first of them to move out of the room. I shot up from my seat and walked out the door, but waited to follow them into the dojo.<br>Splinter sat in his usually spot under the tree in the dojo in his meditative position. All four of us walked to our usual spots in front of him.  
>They all automatically kneeled before him. I was hesitant, but I did so.<br>I remembered briefly how when Leo had woken up, and Splinter had come home, he asked to speak to Leo alone. And Leo asked me to leave the room. I knew Leo was watching, and Donnie had always told me it was best never to upset an injured person. So I bowed (sort of) to Splinter as I was leaving the room. I was nowhere near forgiving him, I just did that for Leo's sake. I put on a show.  
>"Sensei," Leo bowed slightly in the respectful way, making me want to hurl.<br>He opened his eyes to look at all of us, and his eyes went wide when he saw me in the room. I only narrowed my eyes at him, hoping he could understand this was for Leo and in no way for him.  
>I think he did, because there was sadness in his eyes. Not sadness for the family he had lost 15 years ago. Sadness for the son he had lost in the present day.<br>Me.  
>"We were kind of hoping we could continue training today," Leo said, concern laced his tone in the awkward silence.<br>I saw Leo's eyes follow Splinter's gaze to me, so I quickly looked away at the wall.  
>Splinter sighed. What a fucking asshole. I knew he was sad, but seriously? We were just trying to cheer him up, and he was being totally ungrateful.<br>I felt anger building up in me.  
>No, I felt anger <em>overflowing<em> in me. I'd been holding in all of these thoughts and feelings for weeks with no outlet since Spike was gone.  
>And that was the moment I realized, I <em>hated<em> Splinter for all he had done.  
>I didn't think this level of hatred was even possible. I didn't know how all this rage was still inside of me and not spilling out all over the floor.<br>I simply balled my fists, not giving any signs of the war now raging inside of my head. The battle of countless emotions that was destroying me, rotting me from within.  
>Fuck, was that dark…<br>"Very well," I almost missed when Splinter finally spoke.  
>My head was too full of the internal screaming.<br>I just looked at the floor, surprised it wasn't bursting into flames with all the animosity I was glaring at it with.  
>"We will work in pairs," he instructed us.<br>_Fuck, do not pair me with Leo_…  
>I was going to have a difficult time not murdering whoever I was up against, and I knew seeing Leo's <strong><em>scars<em>** dead in front of me when I was feeling like this was going to break down every wall I had struggling to keep those emotions inside of me.  
>"Leonardo and Michelangelo will fight," Splinter said.<br>I felt myself release a breath I didn't even realize I'd been holding.  
>And I could feel all of the eyes in the room on me. So I kept my eyes locked on that floor.<br>"Donatello, you are with Raphael."  
>"Uh, can I fight somebody else?" Donnie asked awkwardly.<br>I did not look up, but I knew they could read my body language; my balled fists, the sweat I was starting to feel bead on my face. Or the tension that was rolling off of my shell…  
>They knew I was at a dangerous level. I had to convince them otherwise.<br>"Scared I'll kick your shell?" I laughed a little too darkly.  
>Well, I never was one for acting…but my taunt worked, and Donnie huffed.<br>"No," he shot back, defending his name.  
>We all got up and faced each other. I lead Donnie to the far side of the room. I wanted to be as far away from Splinter as possible, because I knew this night was just like <em>that <em>night, that moment when I could have killed Splinter without feeling bad about it.  
>That bloodlust was coming back.<br>Emotions are what power me. I feed off of my feelings in battle, they help me fight a lot more effectively. Hell, they help me do a lot more damage.  
>And now, I was going to have to use every ounce of my strength to fight against my emotions, and keep them from hurting Donnie.<br>"Hajime," Splinter called.  
>It didn't take me long to take down Donnie. For being the family genius, he sure didn't wise up to my "go-to-take-Donnie-down" strategy in training exercises.<br>I dodged his Bo Staff, grabbed his wrists with my Sais, and pinned him down quickly, with the least amount of aggression I could use. Anything more, and I probably would have broken the guy's neck…  
>"Ow!" Donnie called when he hit the ground.<br>I didn't think he was hurt, I mean I really didn't hit him too hard, just mad that he lost. Donnie rarely ever took me down.  
>We both looked up to see the results of Mikey and Leo's match.<br>Leo was only using one blade, (which he was doing more and more now) and Mikey had it wrapped up with his Kusarigama.  
>First of all, that wasn't something Leo would let happen. Something was up. I watched intently as I let Donnie get up.<br>Mikey yanked Leo's Katana away, and swung the chain to wrap it around Leo. Leo struggled to get out of the chain, and Mikey pulled him in.  
>And I watched as Mikey slammed Leo onto the ground.<br>Leo's eyes widened as he hit the ground with a thud, gasping at the force our baby brother had taken him down with. I think he got the wind knocked out of him…?  
>It didn't matter, because I had lost all the control of my body and I just wanted to save Leo…from our baby brother who wasn't a threat to Leo at all.<br>I literally couldn't convince myself of that, and I couldn't stop myself.  
>The only thing I did was toss my Sais away so I wouldn't <em>seriously<em> hurt Mikey.  
>"WHAT THE FUCK, MICHELANGELO?!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, charging at him.<br>He didn't even have time to turn and look over at me fully before I tackled him.  
>I pinned him down on the ground as soon as we stopped rolling and glared at him with so much anger, it probably could have melted his face off or something.<br>"What Raph?!" he cried, terrified.  
>Tears were pooling in his eyes and he looked so afraid of me. Normally that would have destroyed me.<br>But nothing could stop the anger I was feeling.  
>"WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU HIT LEO LIKE THAT?!" I demanded.<br>I was completely possessed by my inner demons. I could hear everything I was saying, and I wanted to stop. I wanted to get off of Mikey and apologize…but the anger I felt, it had to come out.  
>I was just sorry it had to be on Mikey and not Splinter…<br>"Raph, get off of him!" Leo boomed from a few feet behind me.  
>I ignored him, and continued staring down Mikey like a fucking wild animal.<br>"DID YOU FORGET EVERYTHING HE'S DONE FOR YOU?" I continued my rampage. "DO YOU NOT SEE THOSE FUCKING HIDEOUS **_SCARS_** HE CARRIES AROUND? THEY'RE GOING TO BE THERE FOREVER, MIKEY, SO MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU WANNA TAKE LEO DOWN LIKE THAT, YOU'LL GIVE IT A FUCKING SECOND THOUGHT. IF YOU'RE EVEN CAPABLE OF THAT."  
>Mikey was crying and squirming and fighting against my hold with everything he had. There was no way he could break out, though. I was much stronger.<br>"RAPHAEL," Leo shouted nearly as loud as I did. "I SAID GET OFF OF MIKEY NOW."  
>I still didn't listen. My crazy eyes found their way over to Donnie, who was still on the floor looking at me like he was petrified.<br>"AND YOU," I screamed directly at him now. "IF YOUR SO FUCKING SMART, WHY CAN'T YOU MAKE THE FUCKING **_SCARS_** JUST GO AWAY? THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SEE THEM AND BE CONSTANTLY REMINDED OF WHAT HE FUCKING DID."  
>I pointed over to Splinter, who was watching me. He had risen to his feet, but he was completely locked in place.<br>"HOW DOES IT FEEL, SENSEI?" I used the proper respect for the first time in weeks, but in a mocking way. "HOW DOES IT FEEL TO LOOK AT THOSE **_SCARS_** AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE AT FAULT FOR THEM? THAT YOU ALMOST LET YOUR SON DIE WITHOUT ANY HESITATION? BUT THEN AGAIN, LOSING FAMILY IS WHAT YOUR BEST AT RIGHT?"  
>Mikey tensed from under me, Donnie gasped from across the room, and Splinter collapsed onto the floor.<br>I was fucking heartless, and because of that, I couldn't force myself to care about the statement I had just made.  
>If it hurt as badly as it felt as great to say it, then I had delivered a fucking fatal blow.<br>And yet, there was still so much anger, so much hatred in me. I wasn't done with my frenzy just yet…  
>Arms wrapped around me, and pulled me off of Mikey. Suddenly, I was on the ground with Leo holding me down. And his <strong><em>scars<em>** were staring me right in the face.  
>"That. Is. Enough. Raphael." Leo's voice was as sharp as a razor when he spoke.<br>"No, Leo," I spit at him. "It was enough when that bastard fucking disarmed you in the middle of a battle to save our enemy."  
>His eyes narrowed at me, something about him telling me I was wrong.<br>Was he still on the fucking "she has good in her" thing? Or was this about his fucking morality? How he couldn't take a life, but he could willingly give up his own with no consequence? Were our feelings, _my feelings_, that unimportant to him?  
>Regardless, I was stronger than Leo, too. And I pushed him off of me, standing up.<br>"And you're too much of an idiot to realize that that rat over there wanted you to fucking die," I looked down at him on the ground. "You're too obsessed with being the fucking perfect son, the fearless leader, to realize that.  
>"Well, I hope your fucking <strong><em>scars<em>** can teach you that. I hope every time you see them, they'll remind you of what you can't fucking understand. That piece of shit over there was willing to let you die, and that your life is worthless to him."  
>With that, I stormed out of the dojo towards my bedroom. I left my family in that room to consider all of my words. Hopefully my brothers would fucking realize everything I had said was true.<br>Impossibly, there was still anger left inside of me. Was there something I forgot to say?  
>I didn't think I left anything out, and my family seemed pretty distraught when I left the room.<br>There was something. Something I needed to do to get rid of these horrible feelings that were destroying me.  
>I racked my brain for an answer as I marched across the lair.<br>A light bulb suddenly went off in my head.  
>And I never made it to my bedroom.<p>

**_To be continued….._**


	2. Chapter 2

Sweat dripped down my face as I pushed myself past my limits.  
>I was out of breath from all the running, but I refused to stop.<br>Nothing in the universe could stop me now.  
>I would rather have died than stop.<br>My brother needed me to save him. Months prior to this moment, he had fought through everything to save me.  
>He was willing to give up his life to save me.<br>The thought pushed me to run just a bit faster.  
>I had to save Raphael from his worst enemy.<br>I had to save Raphael from himself.

* * *

><p><strong>***Post <em>Trust<em>,_ post Slash and Destroy_**_._

_**This Fanfiction is rated M for strong language. Read at your own risk / digression. **_****

**Leonardo's P.O.V.**

His eyes were on fire as he shouted at all of us.  
>All of us were frozen. No one in the room dared to move as Raph rampaged.<br>And I was lost in my thoughts.  
>For weeks I had watched my brother isolate himself more and more.<br>I have always associated my brothers with different qualities, because, well, we're all drastically different.  
>Mikey, my baby brother, I linked with happiness. It was close to impossible to ruin Mikey's near-constant good mood. He was the source of joy that kept our team, our <em>family<em> together. When we didn't have Mikey, we were lost to the toxicity of me and Raph's bickering, and Donnie's choices to stay passive.  
>Donnie was both optimism and determination. How he always worked at a situation until he got his desired outcome, how he never lost that endless source of hope he had. When I wanted to give up, I looked to Donnie for the inspiration I needed. Even in the most hopeless times, he always believed there was a way. And he never gave that up.<br>Raph was completely different all together. He was pure emotion, complete sentimentality. His feelings fueled him, gave him power...but they also hindered him. He lacked the ability to be true to that part of himself. He couldn't be open, and it hurt him so much more than I think he'd ever realized.  
>Until now.<br>Ever since _that night_, so many things had happened, and I had watched my brothers face each situation with their characteristics.  
>When I was taken by Karai-Miwa, Mikey's unpredictable nature, Donnie's hope, and Raph's care was what saved me, and helped me come up with the solution to defeating the Footbots.<br>When Timothy broke out of Donnie's lab, it was Mikey's positivity, Donnie's determination, and Raph's concern that helped us get Timothy back before he did any serious damage.  
>When Mikey got sick from his mutagen intake, it was his own drive, Donnie's intuition, and Raph's need to protect our baby brother that saved Mikey's life.<br>When Karai- Miwa went after April again, it was Mikey's curiosity, Donnie's resolve and Raph's custody that helped us save her in the end.  
>And when Spike went after our family, it was entirely Raph's love for us that helped him save us.<br>He loved us so much, he was willing to throw away what he had with his best friend for the better interest of our safety.  
>So many things had happened since that night Kar-MIWA almost killed me, and I watched it all weigh down on Raph.<br>I watched it start to chip away at him bit by bit.  
>And there was nothing I could do to stop it.<br>At first, I had tried talking to him several times. Just sitting down with him and trying to do what Spike did for him: listen. It didn't take me long to realize that Raph was quite literally _appalled_ by the sight of me. Each time I would sit with him, he would inspect me, look extremely uncomfortable, and would make an excuse to leave.  
>I didn't realize until after my fifth attempt that his eyes would fall onto my <em><strong>scars<strong>_.  
>When Donnie cleared me to remove the bandages I had to keep wrapped on them for weeks, I felt so relieved. It was so nice to not have to deal with the constant pressure of tight wrapping on my chest. I was happy, even with the hideous marks that would forever be a part of me.<br>It wasn't until I saw how Raph reacted to the sight of them that I became self conscious. But it wasn't just him; no matter how much they tried to hide it, even Mikey, Donnie and Master Splinter's eyes would all linger below my shoulder for just a second too long.

***  
><em>"There's absolutely nothing you can do about...these?" I asked Donnie as I watched him mix another attempt at a retromutagen in the lab.<br>My fingers subconsciously traced over the length of my __**scars**__.  
>Donnie looked up at me from his beaker mixing chemicals, a sincere but sad smile etched on his face.<em>  
><em>"They really don't look that bad, Leo..." he tried to lie.<em>  
><em>"Yeah, that's why you guys always stare at them when you think I'm not looking..." I muttered.<em>  
><em>"What?"<em>  
><em>"Nothing."<em>  
><em>There was an awkward pause between us then. I never felt awkward around my brothers until the first time I caught Mikey eyeing my <em>_**scars**__._  
><em>These marks, they were ruining my life, and I couldn't do anything to make them go away. It was like a drunk tattoo. I didn't ask for them. I just did what I had to do.<em>  
><em>"They're going to fade over time," Donnie casually remarked turning back to his work.<br>"How much time?" I replied, throwing my head back to stare at the ceiling.  
>He didn't answer.<br>My hope that this would ever get better died in those moments. _

There was nothing I could do to fix them.  
>They were a part of me, they were the mark of what I had chosen to do for my brothers. And I'd go through being stabbed, almost dying, and having those uncomfortable stares on me an infinite amount of times again if it meant my family would be safe.<br>That was all I've ever cared about, anyway.  
>It was my greatest fear in life: losing my brothers because I failed to protect them.<br>I loved them, and they loved me enough to race across town, battle the Shredder and their phobias, and fight against our own father because they felt it was in the better interest of my safety.  
>And he never told me himself, but Mikey had told me what Raph had tried to do when they faced the Shredder that night.<p>

***  
><em>It was almost one in the morning, and I was staring at the ceiling in my bedroom.<br>When I was younger and first had gotten into Space Heroes, I wanted to be exactly like Captain Ryan: I wanted to explore the galaxies and see the universe's infinite beauty. That Christmas, "Santa" had gotten me glow in the dark wall stars, which I eagerly stuck to the ceiling of my bedroom, right over my bed. I felt like I was staring up into Space, and I would always tell myself one day I would become a hero.  
>That was when I was seven. I never took them down, even after all these years.<br>My door creaked open slowly as I lied on my bed.  
>"Hey, Leo, you up?" Mikey whispered, peaking his head into my room.<br>"I'm up," I told him.  
>I heard my door close softly, and scooted over to the other side of my bed knowing he needed t talk. Seconds later, the right side of my bed dipped down as Mikey occupied the space next to me. I knew the conversation was going to be serious with how quiet he was being.<br>And Mikey isn't one for serious conversations.  
>We both lied there in silence for a few minutes, just staring up at the dim glowing stars on my ceiling. I was worried he had fallen asleep and thought about vacating to the couch in the living room when he finally spoke.<br>"So are you like, okay and everything bro?" he asked quietly.  
>I wasn't okay. I was far from it.<br>I wasn't okay because I saw how badly Raph was reacting to what had happened, and it made me sick knowing that I couldn't help him. and believe me, I had been trying...  
>"Of course," I replied.<br>It was easier to lie.  
>Mikey was silent again for a few moments. That was when I started to worry about him as well. Were all my brothers feeling the same way as Raph was about what had happened? Mikey was the one who had to give me blood...<br>"Are you okay?" I asked him.  
>"Yeah, I'm alright," he bit his lip. "I mean, I'm better now. It's just..."<br>I turned my head to look at him when he paused. He didn't look at me.  
>"Do you think Raph is okay?" he finally continued.<br>Ice shot through my body. So I wasn't the only one who noticed...  
>"Why do you ask?" I countered, not ready to answer a question I didn't actually have an answer to.<br>"He just seems so angry lately, like more so than usual. You're closer to him than me or Donnie, I thought maybe he'd have talked to you about _it_."  
>He had emphasized the word "it," and I didn't know if it was intentional or not.<br>"_It_ being..." I prompted.  
>"The whole deal with the Shredder and him staying behind while we got you back here," he sighed.<br>What?  
>I didn't move. I let Mikey's words sink into my brain, and tried to make sure I had heard them correctly. I knew I had, but I was completely in denial.<br>I could stay behind and give up my life so that my brothers could get away. I couldn't imagine them doing the same for me...  
>He finally turned to face me with a confused look on his face. Then something clicked, he realized what had happened.<br>"Raph didn't tell you."  
>It was more of a statement than a question.<br>I shook my head slightly, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. I was starting to feel sick.  
>"Tell me what happened," I said weakly, trying to swallow the bile that I felt rising in my throat.<br>"I don't know if I should..." he said quietly. "I mean, maybe he doesn't want you to know and-"  
>"Tell me what happened," I repeated with a little more force.<br>I had never heard the full recollection of that night until that moment. 30% of that entire evening, I was conscious, but I could barely remember anything that happened. The other 70% I was completely out of my mind, alone in some dark world and inching unknowingly towards death.  
>It was my brothers who made sure I stayed with them, in bother that world and the real one.<br>With each new development Mikey had told me about, I began to withdraw further and further into myself. I had never imagined the night had been such hell for them.  
>And when Mikey told me about how Raph willingly offered to stay behind while they could get me to safety...I couldn't breathe.<br>We stayed there in silence until Mikey drifted off into sleep. I got up careful not to disturb him, and wandered out of my room. My eyes fell on Raph's door, closed.  
>I stood there in front of it, raising my hand to knock just as Mikey did.<br>There were thousands of words on my tongue, apologies and questions and everything in between.  
>I felt like all the words would spill out of me the second I walked in there. If he was asleep, I would wake him up. He just...he had to hear what I had to say.<br>My fist never connected with his door.  
>I stood there like an idiot for a few minutes before I walked away, heading to the dojo for a sleepless night of training.<em>

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU HIT LEO LIKE THAT?!" Raphael's insane screaming finally snapped me back to reality.  
>How long had I been reflecting over the past few weeks...?<br>I shook my head and refocused my brain on the situation at hand.  
>Training session gone wrong, Raph tackling Mikey, none of us moving.<br>"Raph, get off of him!" I finally found my lips, though my voice was not nearly as loud as I willed it to be.  
>Maybe I was still in shock, or he just didn't hear me. Either way, he ignored me.<br>"DID YOU FORGET EVERYTHING HE'S DONE FOR YOU?" He continued to scream in Mikey's face. "DO YOU NOT SEE THOSE FUCKING HIDEOUS **_SCARS_** HE CARRIES AROUND?"  
>I winced. I knew he had problems seeing my <em><strong>scars<strong>_, but he'd never used such a negative adjective to describe them. It hurt knowing that was how my brother really saw me, saw my marks.  
>He saw them as something for me to be ashamed of, not something I could use to be proud of myself for. After all, the reasons I had them were pretty noble, if it were possible for me to say so without sounding vain.<br>I was having such a hard time staying focused. I was fighting a battle within my head, trying to convince myself that my _**scars**_ were visible proof that I had saved my family and that I was the only one with marks.  
>It was that moment when it hit me: Raph had <em><strong>scars<strong>_ too.  
>Not physical like mine, but emotional. His were worse than my own could ever be.<br>"THEY'RE GOING TO BE THERE FOREVER, MIKEY, SO MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU WANNA TAKE LEO DOWN LIKE THAT, YOU'LL GIVE IT A FUCKING SECOND THOUGHT. IF YOU'RE EVEN CAPABLE OF THAT."  
><em>Right, yelling, gotta get Raph off Mikey<em>...  
>"RAPHAEL," I shouted, finally reaching the volume I wanted earlier. "I SAID GET OFF OF MIKEY NOW."<br>He didn't acknowledge me in anyway. His head turned and he fixed his gaze on Donnie.  
>If looks could kill, I would have been scraping Donnie's corpse off of the ground...<br>"AND YOU," Raph didn't let up at all. "IF YOUR SO FUCKING SMART, WHY CAN'T YOU MAKE THE FUCKING **_SCARS_** JUST GO AWAY? THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SEE THEM AND BE CONSTANTLY REMINDED OF WHAT _HE_ FUCKING DID."  
>I heard the way he emphasized "he" in his rampage, and I cringed.<br>I had never intended for this to happen. I had never wanted Raph to hate me for whatI had done. I had only intended to protect him, but by doing so, I hurt him worse than Karai's - I refused to refer to her as Miwa in recalling this action - sword ever could have.  
>I tried to focus on his eyes, but his movement drew my line of sight.<br>And I realized he wasn't pointing at me.  
>Raph was pointing to Master Splinter.<br>_"Then I wouldn't have to see them and be constantly reminded of what _he _fucking did."_  
>I opened my mouth trying to scream again, but nothing came out. I wanted to defend my father, because I understood why he did what he did. I understood that he never intended for any of the things that happened to me to happen. but Raph didn't. Nor did Donnie or Mikey.<br>I wanted them to understand, but I couldn't.  
>It wasn't my place to tell them why.<br>It wasn't my place to tell them that Karai was Master Splinter's daughter.  
>"HOW DOES IT FEEL, SENSEI?" Raph mocked him. "HOW DOES IT FEEL TO LOOK AT THOSE <strong><em>SCARS<em>** AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE AT FAULT FOR THEM? THAT YOU ALMOST LET YOUR SON DIE WITHOUT ANY HESITATION? BUT THEN AGAIN, LOSING FAMILY IS WHAT YOUR BEST AT RIGHT?"  
>Every single one of us in the room had a different reaction to what Raph had said. Mikey visibly tensed underneath Raph's weight, his mouth hanging open in shock as tears continued to stream down his face. Donnie drew a sharp breath and said nothing, remaining as still as a statue. Master Splinter fell to his knees, unable to bear his son's words.<br>And I was burning. So much anger exploded inside of me at Raph's comment.  
>The entire time he'd been screaming, I'd told myself it was because he didn't know the truth. And he couldn't be blamed for not knowing the truth. But there was no excuse for what he had just said.<br>And every cell in my body was a live wire.  
>I threw myself at him. I used my weight to topple him off of Mikey and pinned him down.<br>He needed to look at me and understand the severity of his words. He needed to know how wrong he was.  
>I stared into his eyes with all the intensity that I felt, but he wasn't looking at my eyes.<br>He was dead focused on my _**scars**_.  
>I'd had enough of him not seeing me.<br>"That. Is. Enough. Raphael." I told him, making each word drip from my mouth like acid.  
>"No, Leo," he finally looked up to me. "It was enough when that bastard fucking disarmed you in the middle of a battle to save our enemy."<br>I kept my expression grave, but in my mind, realization dawned on me.  
>He carefully pushed me off of himself and looked down at me. He was calmer and his voice was significantly lower, but there was still so much hate in his tone.<br>"And you're too much of an idiot to realize that that rat over there wanted you to fucking die. You're too obsessed with being the fucking perfect son, the fearless leader, to realize that.  
>"Well, I hope your fucking <strong><em>scars<em>** can teach you that. I hope every time you see them, they'll remind you of what you can't fucking understand. That piece of shit over there was willing to let you die, and that your life is worthless to him."  
>With that he stormed out of the room, and I watched him go. I didn't even try to stop him, because I knew what this was truly about.<br>All of his words, they weren't for me. And no matter how many times he'd brought them up, his anger wasn't directed at my _**scars**_.  
>No. At the heart of everything, he was mad at Master Splinter.<br>My words to him that night when he finally came home and saw that I was alive...they meant nothing. His bow to Master Splinter when he left the room that night was nothing more than a mere act for me, to give me false reassurance that everything was okay so that I would heal faster.  
>I turned around to see that Donnie and Mikey were looking at me, Sensei was looking down at the floor.<br>I strode over to Mikey first, offering my hand down to him.  
>"Are you okay Mikey?" I asked him as I pulled him up.<br>"Y-yeah, I think," he stuttered. "I mean I'm not-he didn't actually hurt me...just freaked me out..."  
>I nodded, understanding.<br>Donnie finally composed himself (somewhat) and inspected Mikey to make sure he truly wasn't hurt.  
>I found myself kneeling in front of on the ground, trying to get him to look at me.<br>"Sensei, are you okay?" I asked him slowly.  
>He didn't answer. He just raised his head to look into my eyes. And the sadness that flowed from them was painful, like I had been stabbed all over again.<br>"Donatello, Michelangelo," I called, unable to look away yet satisfied with the steadiness of my voice. "Give us a minute, please."  
>I heard them awkwardly shuffle out the dojo without any resistance.<br>There was nothing but silence for the first few moments we were alone. I knew I needed to speak first, but I struggled to find the right words. What could I possibly say that would ever take this pain away?  
>"Raph is...hurting," I said lamely.<br>I wanted to slap myself in the face. What kind of start was that?  
>"It would appear I have underestimated the amount of pain Raphael took from that night..." Sensei said.<br>It was like he wasn't looking at me, but directly through me. It made me feel uncomfortable.  
>There was uncomfortable silence in the dojo again. I knew what I had to say, so I took a deep breath.<br>"You know he would never say that if he knew the truth, Sensei," I finally told him. "If they all did..."  
>"No," Sensei hastily replied, looking away and shutting his eyes. "They are not ready to know."<br>"Why not, Sensei?" I asked. "What if Donnie and Mikey are feeling the same way but not showing it? You don't deserve what just happened."  
>I felt like this was their time to know. Now, more than ever, they needed to know the truth.<br>It would save all of them so much hurt.  
>"They are not ready," he simply repeated.<br>"Then why was I ready when you told me?"  
>He sighed, finally regaining the composure he'd lost, and turned back to face me.<br>His eyes were now softer, but there was still pain in them.  
>"You four are all vastly different in who you are," he began. "But there is something that sets you apart from all the rest, Leonardo. Your ability to see through people.<br>"When your brothers first met Miwa, they took an instant disliking to her because of how she was raised, and because she bears the mark of the Foot Clan. You may try to argue that perhaps given the circumstances of their first meeting with her, it was justified, and that there may have been a different outcome had their first meet been different. I wholeheartedly do not believe that is so. I believe that the moment they met her, even if it had not been due to your former infatuation with her, they still would have detested her. You however did not.  
>"You believe in the good nature that lives within everyone. You, my son, have a rare gift: the ability to hope for the best in all people. You saw good in Karai and you never gave up on that, even before you knew she was my daughter.<br>"Because your brothers have grown rather...indifferent towards her with all that she has done, especially to you, I feel as though revealing it to them now would make it all the more difficult to accept that she is my daughter. I fear that there may never be a truly opportune moment, but this is most certainly not the time to reveal it either."  
>I considered his words and knew he was right. Just like always...<br>"Hai, Sensei..." I said sadly, unsure of how to approach the problem again.  
>Raph needed help, but how could I help him when I couldn't tell him the truth?<br>I heard timid footsteps enter the dojo and my eyes shot towards Donnie's distraught figure. I desperately scanned his face, looking for any signs of him having heard our conversation.  
>There were no obvious signs that he had, but something was desperately wrong.<br>It hit me that the expression he wore was one of terror and worry.  
>"What is it, Donnie?" I asked, standing up to face him.<br>"It's Raph..." he said shakily. "He's...gone."  
>I blinked repeatedly, praying that I had heard him wrong.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Hey all! If you're reading this story, two things: one, thank you so much for supporting my work! It means a lot to me!<br>Second, sorry about the very belated update. School has been kicking my ass these past few weeks, I literally have had no free time to write. But now I'm more into a routine so the next story update won't take as long. I promise!  
>As always, you can read this story and more on my tumblr, All-Things-TMNT! =]<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

I never understood how I got myself into these situations.  
>I spent hours, sometimes even days trying to map things out in my head, trying to figure out what got me from point A to point B sometimes. Though my brothers never understood it about me.<br>And this moment was no different: I didn't know how I ended up here, and they would understand.  
>At the present moment, I couldn't care any less.<br>This had been months coming, the actions I was about to take had been waiting to happen.  
>I stared at the back of this girl, who was completely unaware or my being there.<br>And I wouldn't go home until Karai was dead at my feet.

* * *

><p><strong>***Post <strong>**_Trust_****,****_ post Slash and Destroy_**_._

**Raphael's P.O.V.**

I had a lot of things going through my head as I crossed the city.  
><em>What was I running away from? <em>  
>Nothing. I had to be sure I knew that I wasn't running away. I just needed to go out for a bit.<br>_Where was I going? _  
>I left the lair needing to clear my head, and needing to breathe. My family had been suffocating me for months and I'd had enough: I couldn't stand to be with them. I needed a few hours away from them. Just until I felt like I could tolerate them again.<br>I was just taking a run, that was all. No specific destination.  
><em>Could I even face them when I went back?<br>_I didn't know. What I did know was that I'd pissed Leo the hell off when I stormed out of there, and he was definitely going to have some things to say to me when I went b-  
><em>No.<em>  
>No, I wouldn't listen to him. I had done <em>nothing<em> wrong, and there was no way in hell I'd let him convince me otherwise.  
>My reactions, my words, they were all 100% justified.<br>Everything that I felt, all the pain that I had been carrying, it was all because of them. And they had no right to be mad at me for anything I did or said.  
>After all, couldn't they see I was mad at them because I loved them? That I hated the thought of Leo dying so much that night, that I couldn't stand to ever forgive Splinter for almost letting him die?<br>Or maybe I could have expressed all of that in a better-  
><em>No<em>.  
>I shook my head, trying to shut my conscience up.<br>Having a conscience could be so annoying, but regardless, I had it.  
>It's probably what kept me from going over to the bad side all of the years of my life.<br>..._Actually, that was Splint-  
><em>AHHH.  
>This run was doing absolutely nothing for me.<br>In fact, it was only making everything worse.  
>So I couldn't be near my family, and not being near them didn't make anything better.<br>It was at that point when I realized I had completely stopped running.  
><em>Maybe I was being stupid...Maybe I should just go back and-<em>  
>ENOUGH.<br>My head was going to fucking split. I was at war with myself.  
>Either I went back and was miserable, or I could stay out and be miserable. Was there even a way to win?<br>I didn't have Spike anymore, so going back wouldn't help at all...but if I stayed out, my brothers would think I ran away.  
>And I <em>never<em> back down, from _anything_.  
>Maybe giving them the satisfaction of thinking I was weak wasn't worth all of the hate I felt towards Splinter.<br>And God knows I was not going to give Splinter the upper hand in this feud.  
>What he did was wrong. He was going to let Leo die for the sake of Karai, just he could stick to whatever bullshit morality he has tried to teach us.<br>He'd told me he wanted to protect Leo by protecting the enemy. I'd told him I'd rather have an emotionally scared brother than a dead one.  
>Lucky enough Leo did survive, because I told myself once he woke up I'd kill him myself for jumping in the way like he did.<br>But I couldn't kill him. I couldn't even kill Splinter, who I'd grown to hate more than anyone else.  
>So could I go home and face the man I hated so much and try to keep pretending like nothing was wrong like they all were?<br>Could I-  
>My phone rang, and I froze. I recognized it as Leo's ringtone.<br>He was calling me to tell me to come home.  
>I probably should have listened...but I knew that was what they wanted me to do.<br>And they didn't deserve my presence.  
>I took that small phone out and watched it ring.<br>The phone eventually stopped and I waited for it to ring again.  
>It didn't.<br>Maybe they didn't want me to go back after all...  
>Knowing Leo, he wouldn't have stopped calling until he knew where I was.<br>I waited.  
>I held my T-phone and stared at the screen waiting for it to ring again.<br>It didn't.  
>My heart snapped.<br>Maybe that was Leo calling to tell me not to bother coming home. Maybe they'd had enough of my attitude and my moping.  
>Maybe they chose Splinter over me.<br>My heart shattered at the thought.  
>My mind raced back to that night, when I was facing down the Shredder, Donnie and Mikey on either side of me. And I told them to leave me. I told them I would rather die so Leo had a chance to make it than face a life without my older brother.<br>And now they didn't want me.  
>So I had nothing to lose.<br>I stood there and tried to make sense of these revelations happening. The pain I felt when Spike ran away, when I lost him forever, it was nothing compared to the pain I felt now. Knowing that my brothers didn't want me anymore, all because I tried to do what was right.  
>I dropped my Tphone, hearing it shatter on the cement of the roof below me.<br>It didn't matter, nothing mattered.  
>I had nothing to lose.<br>Leo's _**scars**_ would never hurt this badly. This is what pain was. Being alone in the world.  
>It hurt worse than any sword could have.<br>I felt the burning in my eyes before I could process what was happening.  
>I didn't cry. I hadn't cried since I was three, and even then, I knew crying meant weakness.<br>So I looked straight up and blinked repeatedly, trying to block the tears from escaping. They didn't deserve the satisfaction of my tears. They never would. It wasn't worth it.  
>Despite my best efforts, a few tears still escaped. I could feel them stream down my face. I couldn't help it, no matter how tough I was.<br>But it didn't matter, nothing mattered.  
>And I had nothing to lose.<br>So I looked back down, telling myself I deserved a few tears at least. They weren't for the others. They were for me.  
>I knew, even as invincible as I was, that even I couldn't hold all the weight of my emotions forever.<br>I had for too long, and look what had happened. I blew up, and I lost my family.  
>God did I miss Spike...because when I thought about it, it made sense that he was the only one who could love a person like me: rash and self absorbed and just rude. Everything that I was repelled what my brothers were.<br>It took a few minutes but I lowered my head and looked out around me at the world I was now alone in, trying to pick a place to go. The list of places that would openly accept teenage mutant turtles trained in ninjustu was surprisingly short...  
>On their own accord, my eyes fell to the west, directly landing on the harbor.<br>And all the sadness I felt seconds before was suddenly on fire. I felt so much rage in those few moments.  
>I looked at that dock and just...something told me to be there. To raise some hell. To let everything out.<br>And that would help me move on. That was what I needed more than anything.  
>I knew I wouldn't actually be able to handle being there, but I had to go.<br>It didn't matter, nothing mattered.  
>And I had nothing to lose.<br>So I gritted my teeth, balled my fists, and ran at full speed to that dock.  
>I told myself that banging around a few things there would help me let go so I could start my new life.<br>My life alone.  
>I didn't need my family. They didn't love me anymore, so I had no reason to love them.<br>The wind picked up the closer I got. It was like the universe was telling me to go back, to not keep going. But fuck that, because fuck everything.  
>It didn't matter, nothing mattered.<br>And I had nothing to lose.  
>There was too much hate inside of me. I needed to break something. The closer I got to the docks, the more I prayed for some low life Purple Dragon or some thug to be there, so I could beat him up. Just to relieve a little stress, because this fire inside of me, it was burning me up. It was driving my insane, and I had to do something about it.<br>Even if I ended up with _**scars**_.  
>I prayed for some low class criminal. What I got almost brought me to my knees.<br>It was like my birthday and Christmas in one holiday, it was the best gift from whatever god there was I could have gotten.  
>There, overlooking the harbor with her back to me, was Karai.<br>My hands instantly gripped my Sais, and she had no idea I was there.  
>My mind started racing, every cell in my body was a live wire doing flips. I was so eager that I actually started planning out ways to torture her in my head.<br>It was those moments that I realized I could never hate Leo or my brothers. I wanted revenge, and even if they didn't want me any more, I could still try to rewrite the things that she'd done.  
>I could kill her, or I could leave her begging for death with a few <em><strong>scars<strong>_ of her own. Some to match Leo's...  
>"Haven't seen any of you in a while," Karai casually remarked with her back still to me.<br>My Sais were in my hands faster than I could process, and I immediately lowered myself into a defensive position. My adrenaline making me ready to fight.  
>How did she even know I was there? I hadn't made any noises...<br>She finally turned to face me, and there was something off about Karai. I studied her carefully, trying to figure out what was different about her.  
>She studied me too, looking for something.<br>Whatever it was, she wouldn't find it.  
>"I still can't believe I didn't finish Leo off that night," she said strangely.<br>"We're tougher than you think," I replied emotionlessly.  
>I wouldn't let her know how angry I was. I would let her feel it with my Sais...<br>She just nodded.  
>I couldn't understand what was with her. She made no move to pull out her swords or anything. She just looked at me.<br>I took a steadying breath. If she wasn't going to strike first, I was. It was contrary to what Splinter had always taught us.  
>"<em>Let them attack first, gain the advantage and control the fight with your defense.<em>"  
>Splinter...<br>I snapped.  
>I charged at her with my Sais and lunged at her figure.<br>She seemed surprised, like she hadn't expected me to attack. Still, her reflexes kicked in. She drew her blades and blocked me.  
>And this weird fight began. It was all me striking and her blocking. There was no offense on her side.<br>What was wrong with her?  
>I pushed her back until her feet hit the ledge.<br>She jumped backwards over and landed way at the bottom gracefully on her feet. And her eyes shot all around, like she was trying not to be seen.  
>I wasted no time in diving after her. And I went straight for her again.<br>She dodged everything and kept moving like she was leading me somewhere. I was conscious of this, but I was far too gone in my rage to care. She could have lead me to the gates of hell and I wouldn't have batted an eye. I was just focused on taking her down, and making sure she felt what Leo felt ten times worse.  
>It wasn't until she jumped back into an open area that I realized what her goal was. And I was face to face with the exact spot where my brother almost lost his life.<br>The blood was gone, there was nothing there: Donnie and I made sure all the evidence of our existence was gone when he had Leo stabilized before anyone could have seen it.  
>But still, being there, knowing what had happened and all that it had caused. Knowing that it tore my family apart.<br>Karai watched me as I stayed frozen in place, memories and visions and voices all danced in my head.  
>And I couldn't make them stop.<br>I was watching that scene play right before my eyes.

***  
><em>"Leo..."<br>His name was nothing more than a slight whisper, not even audible to anyone but me.  
>I watched as his body crumpled to the ground, blood spilling out of him.<br>He was anything but still; his body twitched and convulsed with agony as his breathing became completely erratic.  
>It was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen, and yet I couldn't take my eyes off of him. And I couldn't begin to fathom the amount of pain he was feeling in those moments.<br>"Consider that a warning, freaks," I heard Karai say.  
>I should have looked up, I should have made sure she wasn't going for us again. I should attacked her, even if I didn't have any weapon.<br>But all I could do was sit there and watch my older brother basically have a seizure as he rapidly lost blood.  
>"You-you guys are next," Karai told us.<br>And she was gone. I knew she was, I didn't have to look up to know.  
>I wouldn't have been able to, anyway.<br>It took everything I had to force myself to crawl over to Leo's twitching body.  
>I knew it was bad. I knew we had to move him. I knew he was going to die. And yet all I could do was kneel at his side and watch his body convulse.<br>I was so weak.  
>His eyes blinked repeatedly as he sucked in and choked on the air. Leo never screamed, even though it was obvious he was in so much pain. And his eyes never settled on one thing. His vision kept frantically jumping from one thing to another.<br>And then his eyes fell on mine.  
>He was looking directly at me, but it was like he couldn't see me at all.<br>There was so much fear in his eyes, and I realized he thought he was alone.  
>His eyes started to close, and that was the moment I found my voice.<br>"LEO!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.  
><em>***

The real world slowly faded back into existence before me. The figures I was watching slowly disappeared. It was just another spot on the pavement again.  
>My eyes burned with what I knew was tears.<br>The sound of laughter pierced the silence of hell.  
>My eyes snapped up to see Karai's smug grin. Her curious expression she was wearing earlier had completely gone away. She smiled at me evilly, and I understood. She was trying to get inside my head.<br>And it was fucking working.  
>All of my anger returned in full force, but it was trapped inside me. I couldn't force myself to move, no matter how badly I wanted to.<br>"You turtles really are pathetic," she spit at me, balancing her sword casually on her shoulder. "It doesn't take much for any of you to get all sentimental, does it?"  
>She was fucking mocking me. All of the hurt my family had caused me was instantly forgotten, and my desire to defend them was stronger than ever.<br>Well, most of them...  
>But I still couldn't force myself to move. I had to fight her with my words.<br>"Yeah, I guess that comes from having a family that actually cares about you," I remarked. "Tell me, when is your dear old dad coming back from where ever he is? Or has he completely forgotten you?"  
>Her smirk fell and an icy glare took it's place.<br>"My father will be back from Japan soon enough," she said. "But at least he won't have any scars from that trip."  
>"Ha," I laughed bitterly. "His face is a scar."<br>Her jaw clenched and her sword was in front of her.  
>"That's because of your rat father."<br>"Splinter is not my father."  
>She raised an eyebrow and seemed taken aback by my reply but I kept my reaction even.<br>Then all too soon, her stupid smirk was back.  
>"Oh, I see," she finally said. "I remember now."<br>I stared at her, waiting for her to expand on her revelation.  
>"Your jealous," she said.<br>What the fuck? What did I have to be jealous about?  
>"You wish your family was more like mine," she explained. "Not stupid enough to end up with a sword through their chest."<br>And just like that, Karai was back in control. I couldn't think of a single response.  
>"Hit a nerve, eh Raphael?" she laughed again.<br>God did I want to shut her up. Why couldn't I move my fucking body?  
>"I remember how it all went down, right here in this very spot," she said, using her sword to gesture around where she was standing. "We knew that would happen. That one of you was bound to do something like that: sacrifice yourself for the others. We were hoping it was going to be the rat, but any one of your impending deaths would work for us as well."<br>"Leo didn't die," I told her, desperate for her to shut up.  
>"No, I guess I didn't get him good enough," she said, looking directly in my eyes now, judging my reactions as I absorbed her words. "But he suffered, like he will when we get to him again. And the others. Once we finish off Leo, we're going for your other brothers. And eventually we'll get to Splinter."<br>That threat. That threat to my family. It broke me.  
>And it broke whatever force was keeping me in place.<br>I ran at her full speed, my Sais out to catch her sword should she have swung it at me.  
>She moved all too fast and avoided my attack, but I stopped and turned back to face her.<br>"You can fuck off," I told her. "You do not touch my brothers."  
>"Does it bother you?" she asked me. "To look at Leo and see those marks I left on him? To know how much pain he went through just so you wouldn't have?"<br>"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I screamed at her, charging again.  
>She completely jumped over me, placed her hands on my back in midair, and shoved me down onto the ground.<br>I landed right where Leo's body had been, with Karai pinning me down by a pressure point.  
>"LET ME UP!" I yelled, not able to lay in that spot.<br>"We knew he would do that, you know," she bend beside my ear and whispered. "We knew Leo would be the one to take the bait. Just like he did that night I set the mutagen trap for you four. Leo's so stupid, willing to jump into the enemies hands just to make sure his precious family is alright."  
>I struggled against her with everything I could, but my arms were locked in place by her single finger on a nerve in my neck. She was just as annoying as fucking Splinter with the pressure points.<br>"Does that bother you?" she continued to whisper, knowing I had to listen. "That Leo is constantly risking his life to save you? That he could die because of you?"  
>"YES!" I finally admitted in a yell, unable to handle the emotions her words were surging in me.<br>I was angry, depressed, appalled, devastated, hurt, and overwhelmed as all of her words were so fucking true.  
>"Do you wish it was you?" she asked.<br>"Yes."  
>She was silent as she considered my words.<br>Then she erupted into laughter. If I had to hear that arrogant bitch laugh one more time...  
>"Well it can't be you," she told me. "In fact, you're going to help us make sure Leo dies. Tonight."<br>"Like fuck I'd ever let that happen!" I spit at her from the ground.  
>"You don't have a choice."<br>That was when I felt it; a small needle prick my arm.  
>There was a weird cold feeling that shot through my body, and I felt Karai release my pressure point.<br>I stood up, ready to continue the fight, to take her down for her threats when I lost my balance.  
>The world around me became blurrier and blurrier. It was like I was drunk.<br>I managed to stumble around to face Karai, but there were three...no, four of her.  
>What drug had she given me?<br>My legs collapsed under me and I fell to my knees, using my hands to keep myself up.  
>"Fuck, fuck, fuck..." I chanted, started to feel insanely exhausted all of the sudden.<br>"Aw, don't be so moody, Raph," I heard her say.  
>Her voice sounded like it was thousands of miles away.<br>"The fun's just about to begin."  
>My limbs all failed me and I plugged towards the ground.<br>I was so delusional, but I swear in the back of my head, I heard what sounded like Leo calling out to me. That drug was taking over my body so quickly...  
>I wasn't awake long enough to feel myself crash onto the cement.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>If your following this story, I know you guys all hate me. Believe me, if I had the time, this story would have been done by now. But college gets pretty busy!<br>So now that the semester is almost over, I'll have a lot more time to write, and you guys won't get these weird, super long breaks in between story updates.  
>Thank you guys all so much for reading and as always, you can follow this story and more on my All-Things-TMNT tumblr. =] <strong>


	4. Chapter 4

I felt so many things staring at my brother.  
>My beaten, chained up, broken brother.<br>I felt anger, terror, dread, guilt, and so much pain for his current state.  
>And his eyes told me he felt so many things as well.<br>But most obviously, his eyes said that he was sorry. That he was drowning in regret for getting us in this situation.  
>I knew I didn't have much time. I knew I needed to come up with a plan fast.<br>If I didn't, both of us would be dead.  
>And I realized in that moment that this was how Raph felt that night I almost died.<br>That night that lead to this.

* * *

><p><strong>***Post <strong>**_Trust_****,****_ post Slash and Destroy_**_._

**Leonardo's P.O.V.**

Silence filtered the room for what felt like an eternity after Donnie's revelation.  
>And I had never heard the silence so loudly.<br>"It's Raph. He's...gone."  
>None of us moved. The only sound that followed was Mikey shuffling into the dojo behind Donnie.<br>All of us stared at each other in horror.  
>"What?" I asked stupidly.<br>I knew I had heard Donnie correctly. I knew I had. But that silence, it was strangling me. It was sucking all of the oxygen out of the room. And I needed to breathe. So badly.  
>I needed that silence to go away.<br>"Raph. Is. _Gone_." Donnie said again, slowly pronouncing each word as if he himself couldn't believe it.  
>Again, silence followed the news. God, the air in the room was thick...<br>_Oh, wait. I'm holding my breath..._  
>I exhaled and tried to take a deep breath.<br>_Inhale, exhale..._  
>It didn't help.<br>"...So," I tried to speak again, anything to get rid of that deadly silence. "What exactly do you mean by _gone_?"  
>Donnie's eyes met mine in disbelief, like he absolutely couldn't believe I was asking such idiotic questions. I couldn't help it, though. I was just desperate.<br>"Bro," Mikey tried. "Donnie and I went to go see if Raph was cooling down in his room, and he wasn't there. We looked everywhere and he's not here."  
>My hands went to my temples and I tried to rub off the oncoming headache I felt. After Raph's explosion, I didn't think the night could get any worse. I was wrong.<br>After his outburst, I didn't even want to think of the trouble Raph could get himself into out on the surface, but my imagination ran wild. Probably due to my lack of oxygen.  
><em>Oh, I'm not breathing again...<em>  
>I sucked in another gulp of air, but it sounded more like a sigh. Instantly, all of the eyes in the room were on me.<br>Well...great.  
>I looked at all of their faces one by one, judging what I could.<br>Mikey looked terrified, like he was thinking exactly what I was thinking. What kind of trouble could Raph get himself into out there when he was in that bad of a state.  
>Donnie was next, and he looked worried as well. But more so confused. Donnie knew almost every detail of that night, because he was the one who saved my life. But he knew he didn't know the whole story; he knew he was lacking pieces of the puzzle. And I think it finally came down to a moment where he wanted to know what he was missing.<br>And finally, Splinter. I took a steadying breath before I turned to face him, because I knew exactly what I was going to see in his face, in his eyes.  
>No matter how prepared I was for it, it still hit me. Hard.<br>His face was composed, and it amplified the sadness in his eyes even more. The pain in his eyes was even more unbearable than the silence that was plaguing the room.  
><em>Breathe, Leo, BREATHE. <em>  
>His eyes told me that he blamed himself for everything. Every little detail and event that had occurred since that night.<br>And I never did. I knew the truth; I knew why he saved Karai. But my brothers didn't know.  
>Raph didn't know, and he couldn't forgive what he didn't know.<br>It was time my brothers knew the truth, but it wasn't my place to tell them.  
>I stared back at him, pleading for him to understand that telling them was the only way to go one from here. And of course, being Master Splinter, he instantly knew what I was thinking.<br>"Donatello, Michelangelo," he spoke evenly.  
>It was the first time I had heard his voice in what felt like years, but in reality it couldn't have been more than five minutes.<br>"I need to speak with Leonardo privately so-"  
>"No, Sensei."<br>Both Splinter and I wheeled around, staring at Donnie in shock.  
>"No, not again," Mikey added, pain all over his features.<br>Both of them stood next to each other, fists balled. Mikey was looking at the floor and Donnie was staring at both of us.  
>"My sons..." Sensei pleaded.<br>"No," they both said at the same time.  
>"Guys..." I started when I knew I recognized that look in their eyes.<br>I knew exactly what they were thinking...  
>"No, Leo, enough," Donnie said, focused directly on me now. "I'm not...we're not doing this again."<br>"We've been talking about it bro, and we've kinda figured something out..." Mikey added meekly.  
>I knew. I knew exactly what they were going to say. And I begged the universe to not let them actually say it, because I knew it was true.<br>"Every time you and Master Splinter talk alone, something bad happens to you..." Mikey whispered.  
>The universe didn't like me apparently.<br>"No, guys, it's not..." I tried to defend.  
>Donnie wasn't having that.<br>"No, Leo, shut up," he practically yelled. "It's true. You know it's true. It happened the night the Kraang invaded. Master Splinter asked you if he could have a word right before we left. Hours later you were free falling off of a building. Thank God Raph caught you..."  
>"And then that same night, you stayed behind on the Kraang's giant disco ball of death," Mikey added. "We thought you were dead, bro."<br>"But guys, I-"  
>"And then there was the night a few months later," Donnie continued. "You and Sensei had another private talk and hours later, you ended up kidnapped by Karai and almost deshelled by her Footbots..."<br>"Exactly..." Mikey picked up. "When Karai took you from us, and when we finally got you back, you and Master Splinter talked alone in here _again_...and when you came out, you locked yourself in your room for over twelve hours and didn't come out. You were like, super depressed and you wouldn't come talk to us... We were all freaked out."  
>"Please stop, guys..." I begged.<br>"And don't even pretend like _that _night didn't happen, Leo..." Donnie wouldn't relent. "You and Sensei had a talk before we left, and you ended up with a sword in your shoulder..."  
>I couldn't face them anymore. I couldn't face all of these accusations and know they were true. I couldn't look them in the eyes as they spoke, and acknowledge all the pain I had caused them by simply trying to keep them safe. So I kept my eyes strictly on the floor in front of me.<br>I saw Mikey's feet appear before me.  
>"Leo," Mikey said in a voice that broke me, and caused me to look up at him. "When your heart stopped, when Raph couldn't get you to come back because you weren't breathing...I've never been more scared before. I started remembering all of the times when we were growing up, and you helped me. And I couldn't help you. You've been there for me more times than I can count. You're my hero, Leo..."<br>I felt tears pricking at my eyes, trying to escape as Mikey continued.  
>"And I can't imagine what it would be like it you weren't here. I can't imagine getting up in the mornings and not watching you train or watching <em>Space Heroes<em> or meditating or all the other stuff you do. It scares me Leo, the thought of that. It scares me more than blood ever could."  
>My heart snapped at the end of his speech. My mind raced back to the night after Karai had stabbed me...<p>

***  
><em>I rested my back against the wall, Donnie's pain meds slowly dissolving out of my system. I watched as Donnie scribbled things on a clipboard, trying not to let the pain I was feeling show.<br>"Alright, Leo, can lift up both your arms over your head?" Donnie asked another question.  
>I took a deep breath, knowing the pain I was about to feel. I started with my left arm, stretching it straight up in the air. The dull pain radiated through my chest but I kept my mouth sealed shut, not intending on letting out any noise. Donnie nodded approvingly, but then looked up to me.<br>"Both arms, Leo," he clarified.  
>Well, that's what I get for thinking I could outsmart Donnie.<br>I slowly lifted my right arm. I didn't even get it extended completely straight before the pain stuck me like a bolt of lightning.  
>"AH," I moaned, jerking my arms back down immediately to my sides. But the pain did not subside, it simply increased. Within seconds, my entire right shoulder was throbbing.<br>And my white bandages were slowly turning a dark red.  
>I gritted my teeth and tried not to scream, but reopening my stab wound was almost as bad as getting it.<br>"Shit, Leo," Donnie muttered, mostly to himself. "You can't make sudden moves like that. If it was hurting you, you should have said something!"  
>"I didn't want you to worry," I admitted through a clenched jaw.<br>"Leo, that's the point of this," he sighed, frustratedly unwrapping my bandages. "We need to make sure your muscle tissue isn't too heavily damaged so I know your shoulder will heal properly."  
>"Sorry, Donnie, you're right," I said, resting my head against the wall with closed eyes, willing the pain to go away.<br>We stayed silent as Donnie unwrapped my shoulder and put the bloody wraps to the side of me. He wiped my shoulder down and looked at the cut as quickly as he could before more blood would spill out and he would have to wipe it off again.  
>Without warning, I started to feel dizzy...<br>"Uh, Donnie..." I warned him, opening my eyes to a spinning room.  
>I felt like I was going to faint.<br>He studying my face quickly and nodded in understanding.  
>"That's to be expected," he said. "You lost a lot of blood last night. Your body's still recovering from that."<br>"Mmmm..." I could only respond.  
>I was trying to focus on his voice, but his words sounded so far away. I felt dizzy and weak and cold. Part of me panicked that I was going to go back to that dark world again...the world in which I was so near death.<br>"This is gonna hurt a bit, Leo," he warned.  
>He folded a cloth over itself and pressed down on my wound, applying a constant pressure. I hissed in pain as he blocked my blood flow, just enough for it to stop.<br>"Can you make it stop?" I begged, the pain checking me back into focus.  
>"Not yet," he said sadly. "I can't give you any more painkillers for another two hours. Your body isn't strong enough to handle all the drugs I've already got in your system. I'm sorry..."<br>"You don't have to apologize," I laughed weakly, trying to adjust to the pain.  
>It stayed silent for another few minutes. The only sounds in the room were the occasional beeping coming from Donnie's computer across the lab.<br>That and the sound of my concentrated breathing.  
>In, out. In, OW. Out. OWWWW. In...<br>Donnie was looking everywhere but at me. Like he had something to say but couldn't. So we sat there in silence for a few minutes while I withered in the pain of the pressure on my wound.  
>Then I heard Donnie take a deep breath.<br>"Why did you do it?" he asked, still not looking at me.  
>I winced, because I felt a new pain at his question.<br>"Because it's my job as your leader and as your big brother to keep you guys safe," I answered him honestly.  
>He seemed to consider my words for a moment before finally turning to face me. His eyes scorched with the intensity of his next question.<br>"Why is it your job?" he asked.  
>I could only stare at him, not understanding why he would ask.<br>He shook his head slightly at my hesitation.  
>"What did Master Splinter talk to you about before we left?"<br>I felt my eyes widen and my jaw fall. What was I supposed to tell him? He stared at me, waiting for an answer that I wasn't sure I could give him. All of my brothers seemed a little distant with Sensei the entire day I spent in the lab, and I didn't want to make that any worse. Though Donnie and Mikey weren't clearly as distant as Raph, they still seemed a little detached. I didn't want to further that distance for any of them.  
>I shifted uncomfortably under Donnie's hand.<br>"Leo, wait, don't move too much!" he ordered, and his pressure increased to keep me in place.  
>But it was too late for his warning to save me; a new wave of pain spread throughout my body, and I groaned loudly, trying to hold back the tears that formed in my eyes.<br>More blood colored the cloth Donnie was holding to me as I stilled myself, trying not to make it any worse. A moment passed and we were back to the uncomfortable silence.  
>Before Donnie could ask me again, Mikey burst through the door.<br>"Everything okay in here?" he asked, his eyes shooting to us. "I thought I heard Leo-"  
>Mikey never finished his sentence. His eyes went wider than I'd ever seen them as he zeroed in on my bloodied bandages and shoulder.<br>Donnie's focus immediately shifted to Mikey as he looked like he paled all over his body.  
>"Mikey, it's okay," he spoke gently to our baby brother who was frozen in the doorway, terrified eyes on me.<br>Mikey started breathing really quickly, borderline hyperventilating. I realized then that what Raph had told me the pervious night was true: Mikey did have hemophobia, badly.  
>And I was just as scared as he was, looking at his eyes and knowing I couldn't do anything to make him feel better, because I was the source of his pain.<br>I lifted my left arm and put it on top of Donnie's hand, which was still holding the pressure on my shoulder.  
>"I got this," I told him. "Go take Mikey out of here and get him some air."<br>Donnie nodded back to me, and rushed our brother out of the door. I could hear him calming Mikey down as the door closed.  
>"It's okay, Mikey. Leo's okay. There's no blood over here. Come on..."<br>In that moment, knowing that I had hurt my brother by saving him hurt worse than the physical pain that was dominating my body.  
>I leaned my head back and pressed down harder on the cut, trying to stop the blood desperately. I would have taken the pain I was experiencing times one thousand if it meant I could save myself from seeing Mikey, or any of my brothers that hurt.<br>And in that moment, I promised myself I would never be the source of their pain again.  
><em>***

Here I was, months later, completely shattering my promise to myself.  
>Mikey and Donnie were looking at me, so hurt and so broken because of me.<br>But I had to remind myself, it was because of what I had done that they were still here to feel that hurt...  
>"Donatello, Michelangelo..." I took a deep breath. "I need you guys to understand why I did what I did that night, and why I've been willing to risk my life time and time again for you guys' safety."<br>I took to my meditation position. I knelt down and took a few steadying breaths, trying to piece together the right words in my head. The both knelt before me, waiting.  
>I struggled to open my mouth again. I knew why in my head, it was just so hard to actually say it...<br>That was when I felt Sensei's hand fall upon my shoulder. He took his place next to me and nodded at me, knowing that I could say it.  
>I drew my inspiration from him.<br>"When Sensei made me the leader of this team," I began. "I had no idea how much that entailed. I'll be honest with you guys, I was more excited to be like Captain Ryan than anything else in those moments. I wasn't thinking about the price of leadership. They don't show you that side of it on _Space Heroes_.  
>"As those first few months went by, and I got more and more accustomed to my role, I began to see the dark side of it. How in some situations, there is no right or wrong answer. Sometimes, it's about choosing the lesser of two evils. But even then, I wasn't afraid of being the leader.<br>"Then we faced the Shredder for the first time..."  
>I stopped, the memory replaying in my head rapidly, the emotions I felt that night...<br>I pressed on.  
>"That was really the first time we were truly out matched, when none of us could actually take our opponent down. And that was the first time we had gotten hurt in a battle.<br>"To see you guys hurt, injured and beat down...I don't have the words for it. It scared me. It scared me more than the fact that we were actually losing the fight we were in. To know that this guy was trying to kill us, and that I let him get so close to it..."  
>"That was all of our faults, Leo," Donnie cut me off. "You can't blame yourself because all of us weren't rea-"<br>I raised my hand to silence him. It was my turn to talk, and their turn to listen.  
>"At that point, when Shredder focused solely on me. When he raised me up and was ready to kill me unless I told him where Sensei was...well, this may sound a bit morbid, but I was so relieved I was going to die before you guys. I hoped you guys were going to get away, because it was that night I realized the true price of being a leader.<br>"It was that night I realized if _I_ wasn't good enough, I could cost you guys _your_ lives. You could all die because of me. That was something I couldn't live with. And yet, we managed to get away from that night with our lives. I had never been more thankful for the existence of the Kraang than that night, because it was the mutation of Dogpound and Fishface that saved us. Not me, not some brilliant strategy I came up with. The mutagen.  
>"Ever since that night, I realized what my greatest fear is. It's failing. It's letting something happen to you guys because I'm a failure. It's you guys losing your lives because of me. And like you said, Mikey, that's not something I can ever imagine.<br>"It's why I stayed behind and made sure the Kraang's portal exploded. It's why I went back for you, Mikey, when that giant Kraang was after us. It's why I held that Kraang back while you guys all got away on the escape pod. It's why I let Karai capture me that one time. And it's why I let her stab me that night.  
>"The thought of existing without any of you, it's unbearable. The thought of having to exist without any of you because of me failing to protect you? I'd die before that could ever happen. And I'd do it willingly, an infinite number of times. It's worth all the <em><strong>scars<strong>_ I already have, and all the _**scars**_ I will ever get in my lifetime.  
>"It was never anything Sensei said. It was always 100% me, acting to protect you guys. Sensei was always there to remind me the importance of my role, and the moral standards I should live by. That's what all those private talks were."<br>Donnie and Mikey and Sensei all stared at me, wide eyed as I concluded my speech. I couldn't read a single thing from what they were thinking from their blank expressions.  
>It wasn't until Mikey and Donnie latched onto me that I knew they understood my words. I wrapped my arms around my team, my brothers, and held onto them like if I let go, they'd disappear. This moment was almost perfect. We were just missing Raph...<br>"But why, Sensei, did you knock Leo's sword out of his hand when he was going after Karai?" Mikey asked.  
>I tensed. I didn't know what Sensei was going to tell them as his answer. I knew he wasn't ready to speak to them about it.<br>Donnie and Mikey looked up from our hug over to Sensei, who opened his mouth to speak.  
>"My sons," he began, and I stared at him wide-eyed, trying to predict what his response was going to be. "I never intended for Leonardo to get hurt, let that be understood before I say anything else. I will tell you exactly what I told Raphael that night, but first and foremost, we must find your brother and bring him back home to us."<br>My brothers released me then, backing a few inches away, but still staying close to me. Mikey wiped the remaining tears from his eyes and Donnie nodded slowly.  
>"Leonardo, you must be the one to find Raphael," Sensei spoke evenly. "Donatello and Michelangelo, you two will stay here with me and I will explain to you my reasonings for the actions that I took that night."<br>I cringed. The last thing Raph had said to me before he left was about how much he wished I understood that my life didn't matter to Sensei.  
>God did I wish my brothers knew who Karai was. And God did I wish it was my place to tell them...<br>Still, I knew Raph wouldn't want to listen to any of us, but because I was the leader, I was the one who had to try. This whole thing revolved around me, anyways.  
>I nodded, and took out my T-phone, hitting Raph's speed dial contact. That dial tone was the most agonizing thing I have ever heard. I prayed for Raph to pick up. To not ignore my call, tell me where he was, and to just let me talk to him.<br>"_Hey, I'm obviously too busy to pick up, or I just don't care. Either way, leave me a message and I'll ignore it, but I might get back to you later._"  
>Raph's voicemail was the best and worst thing that I could have ever heard in those moments. It was the best, because I didn't have to talk to him. It was the worst, because I didn't get to talk to him.<br>I knew Raph was still angry. I know it might have been better to let him come back on his own terms, but I didn't want him out there alone. I wanted him to know I was there for him, and that he didn't have to keep pushing me away.  
>I wanted to tell him exactly what I had told Donnie and Mikey.<br>I wanted him to forgive my _**scars**_, and to forgive Sensei.  
>I thought about calling him back, but I figured if he didn't answer the first time, he wouldn't the second time either.<br>"Donnie, tell me where Raph's T-phone is, please," I told him.  
>He held out his hand and I gave him my own phone. After a few seconds, he handed it back to me. A map was pulled up on the screen, with distinct color dots to represent each of us. Raph's red dot wasn't too far away. I could get to him quickly.<br>I stood up, looking down at the faces of my family.  
>"I'll bring him back home, and we'll get this sorted out," I promised them.<br>And with that promise, I left the room, hearing Sensei begin his explanation as I walked out.  
>"To understand, my sons, I must start this story where it began: when you were all only six years old and you had first chosen your weapons..."<br>Sensei really was telling them everything. I wondered if they would know about Karai by the time Raph and I got back.  
>I looked over towards the Shellraiser for a moment and debated on picking up Raph in that. Ultimately, I decided against it. I figured whatever I could do to remind Raph least about that night would be best. So I traveled to the surface on foot.<br>I checked my T-phone's map and realized Raph hadn't moved from that same spot...maybe I should try calling him again...  
>I made it to the top of a roof before I pressed the call button. No need to risk people hearing me.<br>When Raph's phone went straight to voicemail, I instantly knew something wasn't right.  
>Raph will ignore your calls and texts and everything you send him...but he doesn't turn his phone off.<br>I broke out into a sprint, closing that distance between Raph's red dot and my blue one on that map as quickly as I could. My heart was racing, not from the running, but from the idea of Raph being in trouble.  
><em>You're over thinking this, Leo<em>, I attempted to calm myself down in my head. _Raph's never been this angry before, he just turned his phone off so he wouldn't have to see you try to contact him_.  
>I wasn't any calmer by the time I was supposed to be where Raph was. I looked all around, confused. Raph was nowhere to be seen.<br>My eyes fell back down to my T-phone, trying to see if I had read the map right.  
>That was when I saw the shattered remains of Raph's T-phone.<br>_Oh my God_.  
>"RAPH?!" I shouted, not caring if anyone heard me.<br>Panic mode had completely taken over me. I needed to know where my brother was. I needed to know he was okay.  
>My eyes scanned the cityscape, my brain working so fast to process every possibility of where Raph could be...and trying to block out every possibility of what could be happening to him.<br>And that was when my eyes saw the harbor. The place where that night took place. I knew Raph was there. He had to be.  
>If I knew my brother like I think I did, I knew he would go there to try to move past everything that had happened.<br>There was no more hesitation. I ran to the dock as fast as my legs could carry me, hoping for the best, but so prepared for the worst...  
>There was no one insight when I'd finally arrived. I jumped down from the rooftop of the harbor warehouse to look around. But there was nothing, nobody there.<br>"Fuck," I muttered under my breath.  
>Maybe I was wrong about Raph coming here. It was a long shot, there were millions of other places he could be and...<br>Red. The color red appeared in the corner of my eye.  
>I think my heart skipped a beat as I realized there was a spot of red on the cement just a few yards away from me.<br>I felt like I couldn't breathe as I slowly approached that red. In my head, I cursed Raph for favoring the same color as blood. When I got closer to it, I realized the red wasn't blood.  
>I took a huge breath of relief.<br>When I got close enough to realize the red was, my body felt like it had become encased in ice.  
>There, on the ground, was Raph's mask, and a small note.<br>My body began moving on its own accord, because God knows I wasn't in control of my actions. I was too consumed by all of the dark possibilities my mind was showing me.  
>"<em>Got something of yours you might want back, and you have something that I want. Wanna trade? You know where to find me. X Karai<em>"  
>I read the note, and read it again, and again, just trying to make sense of the words on the scarp of paper.<br>Faster than my mind could process, my body kicked into action. I was acting purely on instinct. And if I thought I had been running fast before, I was flying now. I tried to block out all of the horrible scenarios I could be getting myself into.  
>I knew it was a trap. I knew I was putting my life on the line again for my brothers. I knew I should have called the others for backup. But I couldn't force myself to care enough, or to make the call.<br>My fist gripped Raph's mask tightly as I raced to the Foot's hideout.  
>There was only one thing that mattered that was going through my head in that moment.<br>Raph was in serious trouble.  
>And I hoped like hell I could get to him in time.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Wow, Karley, that was a fast update! <strong>  
><strong>I know, I wanted to make up for making you guys wait so long in between chapters.<strong>  
><strong>Now, these next two weeks are all about finals, and then I'll dedicate so much more time to writing and finishing up this story. Bear with me, guys. I might be able to get Chapter Five up by next weekend depending on how my finals go!<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

His back was to me as he faced her down.  
>I didn't have to see his face to know there was a hurricane of emotions inside of him.<br>"Just let Raph go, Karai," he had said. "This is between you and me."  
>I tried to move. I tried so hard to get up and help defend against her. But my body still wouldn't work.<br>It was a trap, he had to have known it was a trap! But yet here he was, ready to fight to save me. Just like all the other times.  
>And I couldn't force myself to speak. I could only stare up from the floor hoping this would all work out.<br>I didn't want Leo to die because of me.

* * *

><p><strong>***Post <strong>**_Trust_****,****_ post Slash and Destroy_**_._

_**Raphael's P.O.V.**_

Ringing. There was ringing.  
>An annoying, high-pitched ringing sound blaring in my brain and clearing the haze in my head. It was all I could hear for what felt like years.<br>I didn't dream about anything. There was just ringing and the color black.  
>And I was totally disoriented by the time I finally surfaced from the darkness that had absorbed my mind.<br>The first thing I registered as the ringing began to fade away was the cold feeling wrapped all over my body.  
>Where was I?<br>It was still dark and cold. I blinked repeatedly, trying to adjust my eyes to my surroundings and trying to make sure I was truly awake.  
>Was I dead?<br>_..._  
>Nope, not dead.<br>The only light in the room was coming from the moon, filtering down through the glass ceiling. The floor I was lying on was also made of glass, separating me from a pool of water.  
>I kept blinking, everything around me slowly getting clearer. The next thing I felt was the slight soreness of my body, now pulsing through my veins and making me more aware.<br>I tried to stretch my limbs, but I couldn't for two reasons: one, I was way too weak to really move around. Two, that cold feeling I was feeling? It was chains. I was wrapped up in chains.  
>Well this was <em>exactly <em>how I wanted to spend my night. Chained up and waiting for God knows what...  
>There was basically nothing I could do.<br>So I resolved to stay still, to let my mind wander until I regained the ability to move, and to come up with a plan to get out of this.  
>After five minutes of thinking, I wished my brain was as useless as my body was. The weeks leading up to this night played inside of my head.<br>I saw Leo getting stabbed in the shoulder as he dove in front us as a shield.  
>I saw Donnie and Mikey sprinting ahead of me back towards the Shellraiser as we escaped the Shredder.<br>I saw Mikey giving blood, after basically having a heart attack about seeing blood in the first place.  
>I saw Splinter standing before me giving me the chance to kill him, a chance I couldn't take no matter how badly I wanted to.<br>I saw Leo lying in Donnie's lab, _alive_. And our conversation replayed in my head.  
>I saw myself, avoiding my family for weeks and weeks at a time, finally exploding on them, leaving the lair, and confronting Karai.<br>_Karai_.  
>If I could have moved, those chains would have snapped instantly with the amount of hate I felt for her in those few moments.<br>I had to hand it to her, the girl knew how to ruin a day. Or, you know, a few weeks...  
>God, what the hell did Leo see in her?<br>But she didn't deserve all the blame. Splinter was also the reason I was here. Basically, I hated them both.  
>I spent the next few minutes of my time trying to figure out who I hated more. And there was so much to consider on both sides.<br>Splinter was the one who disarmed Leo...but Karai was the one who actually stabbed him...but he wouldn't have gotten stabbed if Splinter hadn't disarmed him...but Karai wasn't my family, but family to the enemy of my family...who almost killed Leo because Splinter disarmed him.  
>I tried to rationalize it. I tried to tell myself no matter how angry I was at Splinter, that I had to be less mad at him because Karai was the one who actually struck...but I couldn't.<br>I could hate Karai at every angle possible, but I had to respect her. She did what I couldn't do: she at least attempted to take Leo's life. Something I couldn't force myself to do no matter how much pain and rage I felt.  
>And she did it out of loyalty to her father, her family.<br>What did Splinter do to help his family? Allowed the to fucking take a almost fatal hit.  
>Some father. Some fucking family.<br>Karai, no matter how much I hated her, was worth more than Splinter could have ever been.  
>As soon as I had thought that, Karai entered the room.<br>_Well, speak of the devil and he shall appear, right_? _Or she, I guess_.  
>She marched right up to me on the floor with cold eyes. But there was something burning inside of them as well.<br>It was fire and ice, all in her eyes.  
>She knelt down before me. I could barely turn my face up to look at her.<br>There were no words as she glared at me, all the while I was trying to figure out where her eyes were saying.  
>It looked like was debating on telling me something, or just killing me right then and there.<br>"As much _fun_ as this is," I was surprised I was able to speak with how useless the rest of my body was. "Can you just tell me what it is you wa-"  
>I was cut off when her hand smacked down on my face.<br>Her slap stunned me, and it shut me up instantly. I guess the killing part was coming first.  
>The stillness that followed was unnerving. I counted the seconds as they ticked by, waiting for the next hit to come.<br>_One, two, three, four, five_...  
>It never came.<br>_Six, seven, eight, nine, ten_...  
>Seconds passed in terrible silence, and I am <em>not<em> a guy who likes silence. Especially when I know something really bad is about to happen.

***  
><em>'Leo, what the hell are you doing, get on this fucking escape pod and let's get out of here!'<br>That was what I wanted to say, but I couldn't force myself to say it.  
>I could only stare at my brother's back as he faced down that giant Kraang monster while all of us were safely on the ship.<br>And there was silence.  
>Suffocating silence as we all watched Leo wrap up that monster and scream at us to get away.<br>My brothers listened to him; why the fuck did they listen to him?  
>They closed the ship and held me back as we began to drift away from Leo.<br>I couldn't take it anymore.  
>I couldn't take the quiet.<br>"Leonardo," I said, desperate to hear a noise.  
>And that name, my brother's name.<br>It had saved me so many times. It had saved me from the silence, and it had saved me from death._

Waiting.  
>Silence.<br>Nothing.  
>...This chick was trying to psychologically torture me to death, and it was working.<br>But I was done with silence. I'd had enough silence to last me for six lifetimes.  
>"What exactly did you give me?" I demanded.<br>She grinned at me and shrugged her shoulders.  
>"Dunno," she told me. "I just told Stockman to make something that would keep you still for a while."<br>Stockman? Whoever that was. That scientist dude who's ass we always kicked, maybe? He did have ties with the Shredder...  
>I decided that it didn't matter at the moment. What did matter was that I was here, at Karai's mercy and unable to defend.<br>"If you're going to kill me," I told her. "I suggest you just stop wasting all of our time and get-"  
>Another slap. Harder this time.<br>I could taste this rusty coppery taste in my mouth.  
>Blood.<br>_Damn, she hits hard_...  
>"Those," she finally decided I was worthy of hearing her speak. "Those were for insulting my father earlier."<br>I tried to think back to the insult.  
><em>"His face is a scar."<em>  
>Oh yeah. That was a pretty good one though.<br>I tried not to, I really did. But I laughed at the memory. I think it was the only time in my life I would ever laugh about _**scars**_.  
>My laughing was cut off when something slammed into my chest. Karai's foot maybe?<br>I didn't know, I didn't care. The only thing that mattered in that moment was breathing, because she definitely knocked the wind out of me with that one.  
>I coughed a few times and took a few shallow breaths before I was able to get my lungs to work again.<br>Karai standing over me an instant later. I avoided her gaze and waited for another hit expectantly, but this time she knelt down beside me. Her hand grabbed my face and forced me to look at her.  
>I looked anywhere but at her eyes, trying to be defiant. If she was looking for fear, she was going to be disappointed. I wasn't afraid of her and I wasn't afraid of dying. I wasn't even afraid of how long she would take in killing me, because apparently, she intended on taking her time.<br>Fear was not something I felt normally.  
>Fear was not something she'd instill in me.<br>...But that silence, it was driving me insane.  
>She was way too good at getting into my head.<br>"What exactly do you want?" I asked her, knowing she'd punish me for my words. "You're seriously just wasting your time. If you're going to kill me, get it over with."  
>She raised an eyebrow.<br>"You're not gonna beg for your life?" she sounded amused.  
>"Hah. You're not worth my begging."<br>She let my face go and not a second later there was more pain. The pain of a cut burned its way up my arm.  
>Karai used her sword to trace a light cut.<br>For not being able to move my body much, I sure could feel a lot. That was weird.  
>"Raphael, if I was going to kill you now, I would have done so already."<br>Well...that surprised me. Either I was more surprised by her response, or the fact that she didn't actually hit-  
>Pain, right in the center of my chest. And I couldn't breathe again.<br>For someone who wasn't actually trying to kill me, she was doing a really shitty job.  
>"Then what-exactly-are you-trying to-do?" I wheezed, trying to regulate my air intake.<br>"I think you've asked enough questions," she said, sitting back beside me again. "How about we play a game? I ask, and you answer. If I don't like your answer, then...you won't like my response."  
>It wasn't like I had a choice. Even though my ability to move was slowly coming back, I was still chained up and weaponless.<br>I mentally prepared myself for whatever she was going to ask me. I assumed it would be stuff about where my family was. Like I'd actually tell her, though.  
>The truth was, no matter how angry I was with them, or how far away I went, I loved my brothers to death. There wasn't anything they could really do to make me truly hate them.<br>I had felt the same way about my father. There was a time when I thought Splinter could never do anything to make me hate him.  
>That was before he almost got Leo killed to save the chick who was torturing me.<br>"First question," she brought me out of my head.  
><em>Don't tell her where they are. Don't give her anything she can use against them. Don't give her an advantage in any way.<em>  
>"What is your name?"<br>..._What_?  
>Her fist slammed into me as I realized I had actually questioned her aloud.<br>"Sorry, Raph," she laughed as I moaned in pain. "'What' is not an acceptable answer. Let's try again."  
>What was she trying to do? Waste time? Was she bored?<br>"What is your favorite color?"  
>Well, no sense in causing myself more pain if she was stupid and going to ask for obvious answers.<br>"Red."  
>"I wouldn't have guessed," she mocked me.<br>_Well, you're the one who asked...  
><em>I couldn't verbally fight her without getting hurt, but I could sass her in my head all I wanted.  
>It wasn't as satisfying. God did I hate not having the upper hand...<br>"What is your surname?" She asked her next question.  
>I weighed the options in my head. I probably would have rather taken a hit than associate myself with Splinter...but my body was already sore, and if she wasn't truly going to kill me then, maybe she was going to let me go?<br>"Hamato," I spit out the name like it burned my tongue.  
>She cocked her head to the side and smirked like she was pleased with my response.<br>"You don't sound too happy about that," she said.  
>"I'm not," I replied.<br>"Problems at home?"  
>"Is that your business?"<br>I regretted my retort as soon as it left my mouth. Karai's sword once again slid down the length of my arm, causing stinging pain to radiate through me.  
>I gritted my teeth and held back my reactions as best as I could. She would not get the satisfaction of hearing me scream.<br>"I'll ask again," she prompted, obviously enjoying this. "Problems at home?"  
>"Yes," I choked out, trying not to let the pain I felt drip into my voice.<br>"So I'm guessing that's what you meant by what you said earlier?"  
>"When I said-what earlier?" I continued to choke through my words.<br>"You told me Splinter wasn't your father."  
>Pain shot through my body, but it wasn't anything Karai did. It was me, remember that I had said that.<br>I had felt so strongly when I said it in those moments. And I still did. But actually hearing it from someone else...it didn't feel right. I didn't like it at all.  
>"You're angry," she stated.<br>"Yes," I admitted.  
>"Why?"<br>"Because I never asked for any of it to happen!" I exploded from the ground. "I didn't expect Splinter to just willing let my brother take the fucking fall, all so he could stand by some morality that's just total bullshit! I didn't want to race across town and feel all of the pain that I felt not knowing if Leo was going to die or not, only to turn around and forgive fucking Splinter as if it was no big deal! It's like neither of them realize what Donnie, Mikey and I had to go through to save his life! It's like Splinter didn't even care that he was going to let his son die! So yes, I'm angry. I've been fucking angry."  
>I took a few steady breaths after I finished my speech, trying vainly to calm myself down. I was angry that she could force me to say all of the things I had just said.<br>She had no business to pry in my personal life. I was done answering her questions. I didn't care about the physical pain anymore.  
>The mental <strong><em>scars<em>** were far worse.  
>"I'm assuming you hate Splinter mainly for what happened to Leo?" she continued her stupid interrogation.<br>I refused to say anything else.  
>It was quiet for a few moments, and I waited to feel the pain.<br>She surprised me by erupting into laugher.  
>I looked up at her, completely confused.<br>"You and I really aren't that different, you know," she said continuing to laugh. "I always thought it was Leo and I that were the similar ones, but I'm thinking it's you and me, Raph."  
>"And what exactly does that mean?" I asked.<br>I had no idea where she was trying to go or what she was trying to say. All I knew was, that look I had seen in her eyes earlier was back. That fire and ice feeling, like she had something planned.  
>Of course she did, she was the enemy.<br>"It means, I always considered myself like your brother, but a better version," she clarified. "A version that likes to have fun opposing following all the lame rules all the time. But the major thing that sets Leo and I apart is the fact that one of us hates your rat master far more than words can say, and I think that's something _we_ share."  
>I scoffed.<br>"Why exactly do I care if we share a common interest?" my voice dripped with hate. "You're really not my favorite person, stop acting like you are."  
>"But you like me more than you like Splinter."<br>Ice. My body felt like ice...because I realized her words were true.  
>I stayed silent then. I had no clever response for her.<br>She laughed again, knowing she had won.  
>"I'm going to offer you a deal, Raphael," she told me.<br>"And what makes you think I'd take anything you'd offer?" I shot back.  
>"Because it's a win-win situation," she clarified.<br>I didn't want to hear her talk anymore. I would have much preferred endured the painful silence at that point...but I was curious to see just what exactly she thought she could offer me as a benefit.  
>Join the Foot? Yeah, she wished...<br>"You and I have a common disliking for Splinter..." she started.  
>I said nothing.<br>She used my silence as a prompt.  
>"I could take him out for both of us."<br>I wasn't surprised by what she had said. I wanted to feel something: shock, rage, emotion in general...but I didn't. and what was worse, I didn't know if I wanted to accept of not.  
>God was I a horrible person...<br>"I guess I should explain why it's a win-win?" she seemed a little dissatisfied with my lack of a response.  
>Again, I gave her nothing. Again, she filled in the silence.<br>"Think about it: this whole war between all of us, it comes down to Splinter and what he did to my family. He tore us apart, he ruined our lives. And he almost succeeded in doing the same to you.  
>"You and your brothers are caught in the crossfire of something you shouldn't be involved it. You're all putting yourselves at risk to protect someone who clearly doesn't care wether you all live or die. And I know you couldn't stand it if something bad truly did happen to your brothers. Why take the chance? Why not eliminate the source of the problem?"<br>She was telling me she would kill Splinter. She was telling me this whole mess between my brothers and the Foot would be done.  
>She was telling me my brothers would be safe.<br>How could I not go for that?  
>"All you would have to do is sit here," she continued. "Splinter will eventually show up and I'll do the rest."<br>"Hah," I laughed bitterly. "Why would he come for me?"  
>"Keeping up appearances," she replied. "Making it seem like he cares just so he can use you and your brothers as his shield, the way that he's always done so. Open your eyes, Raphael. Don't be fooled like your brothers."<br>I weighed her words in my head.  
>I was waiting for my conscience to kick in, to tell me no matter how badly I wanted this, and how much I believed her words, I couldn't betray my family.<br>But was it betrayal? It didn't really sound like it was. It sounded like keeping them safe.  
>It sounded like the right thing to do.<br>And she was right: it was a win-win. She got her revenge on someone we both hated, and I got to ensure the safety of my family.  
>The more I thought about it, the better it sounded.<br>I didn't even consider her betraying me, because I knew she this was what she really wanted.  
>I knew she wanted Splinter to suffer just as much as she had. As I had...<br>"Deal," I finally told her.  
>She smiled evilly at me, and patted my head.<br>Well that was annoying. We might have been similar but that didn't mean I had to like her...  
>"As easy as it is to just sit here and wait for Splinter to show up," I started to say. "Maybe you'd like to consider untying me? This shit's really uncomfortable."<br>"But it adds that dramatic effect, and it'll rile _him_ up so much more," she replied. "And we want _him _to suffer as much as we can before I take _him _out."  
>I didn't miss the way she'd emphasized the word "him" each time she said it, though I thought nothing of it.<br>She disappeared from the room after that, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I was waiting for the guilt to kick in. The regret for what I had just agreed to. But it never came.  
>So I tried to focus on a way to explain what happened to my brothers when I saw them again. It seemed like a pretty easy lie to tell. "Sensei died trying to save me." I could do that. It was believable.<br>And it would be the truth.  
>Now all that was left to do was wait for that truth to become reality.<br>Minutes ticked by. I began to realize I didn't know how much time was going to pass until Splinter actually found me.  
><em>Or pretended to care enough to find me...<em>  
>Karai seemed convinced it would take long.<br>I sighed. Patience was _not_ my area.  
>So I began to focus my energy on regaining the feeling in my body. I started out by wiggling my toes and stretching my fingers. It took some effort, but it wasn't impossible. Next I tried to wiggle around. Definitely a lot more strenuous. I could feel myself starting to bend, but not enough.<br>So I gave up, closed my eyes and just let whatever Karai's drug was run its coarse through my body as I tried to lose myself in my head.  
>It wasn't long after that I heard something. The sound of light footsteps. Careful footsteps.<br>Had Karai come back?  
>I opened my eyes and scanned the room. I was alone.<br>Maybe I was going crazy...

More footsteps. From above me this time.  
>I used all of my strength to turn my head upwards towards the ceiling.<br>But there was no one.  
><em>Yep, definitely going crazy<em>.  
>I sighed and closed my eyes again.<br>That was when I head a quiet thud. Someone had landed a few feet away from me.  
>I opened my eyes trying to see who it <em>was.<br>_My eyes were readjusting to the shadowing figure before me. And the first thing I could make out was my red mask.  
>I squinted my eyes and blinked a few times, willing to make out the face of this silhouette before me.<br>_...Well, fuck. Of course it would be him._  
>With a quick check around himself, Leo rushed to me and fell to his knees beside me. His eyes were all over my body, inspecting me.<br>He didn't say anything. Just looked me over a few times, his eyes lingering on parts where Karai had struck me.  
>I had never seen the expression in his eyes change more quickly.<br>They went from soft relief, to utter shock, to pure anger.  
>His blue eyes were on fire.<br>"What happened?" he demanded, acid dripping in his tone.  
>I tried to say something, I really did. I tried to tell him I was fine, and to get out of there.<br>Again, fear was not something I felt normally...but looking at Leo, seeing how angry he was by my physical condition -_which wasn't even that bad, mind you_ - it was about the closest thing I could feel to fear.  
>I looked at him, feeling none of the anger I had felt earlier. Splinter, Karai, his <em><strong>scars,<strong>_ none of it mattered in that moment. What mattered was my older brother, looking all over me frantically and no doubt blaming himself for what had happened to me. And the fact that I had gotten myself into this situation: a situation where I was willing to lure out my father, the man who raised me, and let him die just so I could feel better about what had happened.  
>"Raphael," he used my full name, showing me just how serious he was. "Can you speak?"<br>I could only look at him, my lips sealed shut by my realization in my head. And I couldn't even imagine the expression on my face. It must have been bad, because he gritted his teeth and started searching the chains for a lock.  
>"We're getting out of here, and then you're going to tell me what happened. Can you walk?"<br>Silence.  
>"Well we're about to find out."<br>He took out his scarab blade from his wrist wraps and stuck it into the lock keeping the chains on me.  
>I realized he was in danger being there with me. The second Karai figured out I no longer wanted to go through with this act, she'd try to kill us both. I couldn't do much to protest it, but Leo could get away easily.<br>Not that he would try. He'd try to save me first.  
>He worked in silence, twisting the knife in the lock trying to open it. I watched him, just wanting him to get out, but also feeling relief that he was there. That maybe this deal I had made wasn't going to work out.<br>That maybe I really didn't want Splinter to die.  
>Suddenly, there was a clicking noise, and Leo ripped all those chains off of me and grabbed me by my arm that Karai hadn't cut.<br>"Let's get out of here before-"  
>Leo never finished his sentence. Karai landed a few feet in front of us, blocking our only exit.<br>"Sup?" she smirked.  
>God was I sick of seeing that smirk.<br>Leo laid me back on the ground and instantly drew his katanas.  
>"What did you do, <em>Karai?"<em> he instantly asked.  
>He said her name in the weirdest way possible. It was the same way Karai had said "him" earlier when talking about Splinter.<br>...She knew.  
>She knew Leo would come first. Of course he would.<br>Karai used me to lure Leo out, so she could finish the job. She wasn't going to let me go: she was going to kill us both. Which would lure out Donnie, Mikey and Splinter.  
>One by one, she would take down my entire family.<br>And I had been stupid enough to trust her.  
><em>Go me<em>.  
>"You knew," I announced to Karai from the floor, finally remembering how to speak.<br>Leo looked down at me from over his shoulder in shock. Karai just laughed.  
>"Of course Leo would come first," she called to me. "And now I'm going to finish you both off."<br>I watched Leo's grip tighten on his swords.  
>I was utterly useless on the floor. So Leo was going to have to defend us both, alone. And it was all my fault.<br>I didn't care if I died in that moment. I just didn't want to see Leo get hurt.  
>I didn't want to watch Leo die because I screwed up.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Karley's back and now on summer break! *Parties.*<br>Thanks for reading and supporting my stories, guys! It means a lot!**

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	6. Chapter 6

They say things always get worse before they get better.  
>Up until that point, I was totally convinced that it couldn't get any worse than it had.<br>But I had been wrong.  
>Somehow, impossibly, the entire night just kept getting worse and worse, with no signs of it ever getting better.<br>Now here I was, racing to get my brother back home to save his life, just like he had done for me months ago.  
>He was dying, he was getting closer and closer each second. And it was all my fault.<br>There was no way it could get any worse than this.  
>That's what I was hoping, anyway.<p>

* * *

><p><em><strong><strong>***Post <strong>**_Trust_****,****_ post Slash and Destroy_**_._**_

Leonardo's P.O.V.

"You knew," Raph croaked in a weak voice from the floor behind me.  
>I turned and looked down at him, both surprised to hear his voice for the first time in hours, and I could hear so many things.<br>Pain. Guilt. Shame. Sadness.  
><em>Regret<em>.  
>I wanted to stop, ask him what was wrong with him. I wanted to know what happened: what Karai did to him. Why was his arm cut up and his body bruised up. Had he told her anything? Did she torture him for information?<br>_God, if she did_...  
>"Of course Leo would come first," Karai grabbed my attention and I whipped back around to face her. "And now I'm going to finish you both off."<br>My fists gripped my katanas impossibly tighter. This situation was the worst it could have possibly been.  
>I was in between a rock and a hard place: this girl could do anything she wanted to me and my brother. She could torture us, even kill us both.<br>But I absolutely could _not_ hurt her.  
>And believe me, I wanted to.<br>From the second I had entered the room and saw the state Raph was in: chained up and beaten on the floor, I prayed like hell it wasn't Karai so I could repay whomever had hurt him in full...with interest.  
>...<em>Maybe it wasn't the best time for bad jokes<em>.  
>But it was true. I couldn't hurt Karai.<br>I couldn't hurt _Miwa_.  
>The only sound in the room in the room was the silence, and God was it thick hovering over all of us. It was making this already horrible situation more horrible.<br>I was going to have to defend Raph and myself, while not being able to strike back. Only blocking.  
>That wasn't going to work forever. I needed a plan, and I needed it fast.<br>She didn't give me any more time for thought, she lunged at me and I instantly put my swords in front of me, desperately blocking her attack.  
>I had to fight against my instincts not to jump out of the way, because I had to keep myself between her and Raph. If she got past me to him, it would be all over.<br>She pushed against my swords and I pushed right back, our strength coming out equally.  
>I was stronger than her, but I couldn't use that advantage. I had to keep reminding myself that no matter how angry I was, I couldn't hurt her.<br>She pushed at me for a total of ten seconds before she opted to swipe to the side and kick me back. I stumbled and tripped over my brother who groaned in response.  
>As I was falling, I kept my swords way out to the sides of me. I didn't need to accidentally injure Raph or myself.<br>"Sorry Raph," I threw him a quick apology and jumped back in front of him making sure Karai couldn't get to him first.  
>"Leo, just-"<br>I didn't get to hear him say anything else, as Karai came at me again. I barely managed to get my swords in front of me to block her assault.  
>I was expecting her to try out-matching with the pushing again, but she had other plans.<br>Karai withdrew her swords before I could even process her actions and slashed at me again. I couldn't not jump away that time without being hit. So I leapt to the right of her swing, successfully evading her attack. But I immediately hated myself because it put her closer to Raph than I was.  
>It was like she completely forgot about Raph on the floor. She didn't even glance at him. She came at me, determined to kill me.<br>I knew she wanted to; there was a look I had never seen before in her eyes.  
>It was probably the same look I'd had in my eyes that night when I was going to kill her before Splinter stopped me. This look of pure, unfiltered, relentless hatred. And it was such a cold look. I thought for half of a second I'd never know what warmth was again.<br>The thought of Karai being me in that moment, what I was when I lost myself in that bloodlust...it was almost enough to scare me.  
><em>Almost<em>.  
>I had more important things to worry about rather than focus on the fear. I had to protect my brother, I had to keep her murderous attention on me.<br>And for whatever reason, it was working pretty well.  
>It was like we were following choreography: our fight was a dance of strikes and blocks. Nothing more, nothing less. We were evenly matched...or at least, I was keeping it that way.<br>And with every swing of her sword, she was using more and more force.  
>It was getting harder and harder to stand my ground with just defense. This fight was begging me to switch to offense, and yet I just couldn't do it.<br>I didn't want to be who I saw fighting me. This soul lost in so much pain and hate that they wouldn't be able to consider the consequences that could befall them.  
>That was not me.<br>That was not who Master Splinter raised me to be.  
>That was not who Master Splinter would have wanted her to be.<br>"Too soft to fight back?" she taunted me as she threw another attack.  
>I didn't have a response for her, I was too busy concentrating on not dying...<br>She kept slashing at me, faster and faster, harder and harder.  
>She was starting to push me back.<br>I felt my feet sliding on the glass floor until my back was pressed up against a wall.  
>Against a wall is never somewhere you want to be in a fight: you always want to have mobility, especially behind you. Jumping back is the best way to dodge attacks. Putting distance between you and your opponent is the key to defense.<br>Distance was not a luxury I could have anymore.  
>Karai pulled back one of her swords and stabbed it forwards, right towards my head. I quickly ducked my head down in time to dodge it, and I heard her sword stab straight through the glass wall behind me.<br>Without any warning, her foot slammed into me shoving me through that glass wall as well.  
>I stumbled backwards and crashed into a rock. My head hit the solid surface and stunned me for a second. I blinked repeatedly, preparing myself for her next wave of attacks, but she never came.<br>My eyes scanned around me. Karai was nowhere. She wasn't near Raph or near me inside of this glass case full of rocks.  
><em>Where in the<em>...  
>A glitter caught my eye. The reflection of dim light off Karai's armor drew my attention. She was standing by Shredder's throne near some sort of...button?<br>I pulled myself up to my feet and tried to figure out what she was doing.  
><em>What in the...<em>  
>Her hand rained down on that button before I could finish my question.<br>The temperature of the air around me instantly warmed up.  
>I looked all around me and saw the ground below me turning this weird orange color...and my feet were suddenly burning.<br>I climbed on top of the rock I had run into not even a full second before the ground around me erupted into fire.  
>Fire. Heat. Burning. It all surrounded me.<br>It was only a matter of time before those flames actually reached me on top of my rock.  
>Sweat dripped down my face as I looked for the hold in the glass my body had created: my only escape.<br>It was a few feet away from me, and there was no way I could get to it without getting burned.  
>But that was when my eyes fell back to Raph.<br>He was looking at me with this unfathomable amount of pain in his eyes. It was like he was drowning in this ocean of regret and sadness.  
>His eyes told me he needed me to save him, because he was alone out there with Karai.<br>And there was no way in hell she'd touch any of my family ever again.  
>I didn't give it another thought; I dove straight for that hole in the glass. I barely made it through. My arm scraped against one of the edges of the shards, and my feet definitely touched the open flames.<br>There was stinging in both my feet, and in my left arm from the small cut I'd had, but nothing unbearable. I was just amazed I'd made it out and kept my swords that whole time.  
>I slid directly to Raph, checking on his current state.<br>Maybe I was imagining it, but his skin looked slightly paler...and he coughed a few times right when I got to him.  
>He was sweating too...was he that afraid?<br>Seeing his eyes up close though, and all the pain they held. I forgot about his psychical state completely.  
>I had seen his eyes like this before...the night the Kraang had invaded.<p>

***  
><em>"GO!" I screamed at them.<br>I knew my brothers hated listening to me sometimes, but could they not see that I was holding back a monster that wanted to kill them?  
>Could they not see I was starting to lose my grip on the monster?<br>They were all frozen and staring at me in complete and utter shock, like they couldn't comprehend what was really happening.  
>"I CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANY LONGER!" I informed them, seeing as though they were quite oblivious to the current situation.<br>They needed to get out of there. And they needed to do it now.  
>Donnie was the first to respond.<br>"We gotta go NOW!" he said, pulling Raph back. Mikey followed, pulling down the glass shield.  
>The relief from watching that ship start to float was indescribable. It was the greatest feeling in the world to know that my brothers were going to get away.<br>That relief lasted maybe six milliseconds, as the Kusarigama chain snapped and I fell backwards.  
>I was back on my feet faster than I'd ever recovered from a fall before. And that giant Kraang had missed my brothers. It fell forwards as it missed them.<br>The relief was back, even stronger that time.  
>Until I saw Raph's body, pressed against the walls of that escape pod, looking directly at me.<br>I'd never known true pain in my life until the moment I saw Raph's eyes: the way they screamed 'don't stay behind, what are you doing, Leo come back.'  
>'Leo don't die here. Not like this. Not for me.'<br>I knew I couldn't die right then and there. I knew I had to take that pain away from him.  
>So I ran after the ship, more determined than ever to stay alive.<em>

Another cough from Raph snapped me back to reality.  
>I took another look at him and noticed he was shaking softly. And he was sweating far worse.<br>Was he having an anxiety attack?  
>Before I could ask him, I heard Karai flying towards me.<br>I looked up to see her coming, sword in her hand aimed right at me again.  
>So I blocked and jumped back, intending her to follow me.<br>She did not seem interested in killing Raph first at all. She wanted me dead more than anything else.  
>I knew blocking wasn't going to distract her forever. At some point, Karai would get tired of me and just go for Raph. I knew she would.<br>Then it clicked: I had to disarm her. And disable her so she couldn't come at me.  
>The chains I had taken off Raph would definitely help. It was just a matter of getting her swords away from her.<br>If I could just get her to stab at me again, and her her swords stuck in something...  
>But there was nothing like that around me.<br>_C'mon, Leo, think...  
><em>I had to come up with something that could disarm her without hurting her. Without hurting Master Splinter's daughter.  
><em>Master Splinter...<br>_I could see Raph out of the corner of my eye.  
>A lightbulb went off for me.<br>_Pressure points.  
><em>It was simple, wouldn't do any serious damage to her, and it would keep her still long enough for me to tie those chains around her.  
>I backed myself against another wall, knowing she would take the initiative to stab directly at me again.<br>And it worked.  
>The second her arms extended towards me, I sheathed my swords, flipped directly over her and pressed down on the space between her collarbone and shoulder.<br>She drew in a sharp surprised breath, and twitched before locking into a position. Her swords fell out of her hands as she crumpled to the ground.  
>I wasted no time. I instantly grabbed the chains from the floor near Raph and tied her up in them, making sure they were locked and kicking her blades away from her before looking down at her.<br>"I win," I informed her, still angry about what she had done to Raph.  
>I was expecting a witty response from her.<br>She startled me by laughing.  
>She laughed harder and harder as I waited for her to stop.<br>She was taunting me with this laughter. Karai knew something...  
>"What?" I demanded, acid dripping in my voice.<br>"You didn't win, Leo," she laughed more. "Why would I let you win?"  
>I didn't know what she was talking about. I was the one standing over her tied up form. Did she not understand that...<br>That was when I heard the heaving coming from behind me.  
>The sounds of jagged shallow breathing.<br>_No_...  
>It was a distraction. The entire fight, it was nothing. That was why she didn't get bored with my constant blocking. That was why she never went for Raph.<br>Whatever poison she'd given him to keep him still...it was killing him.  
>I could barely make myself turn to face my brother, lying on the ground. But somehow I did, and I instantly regretted it.<br>Raph's eyes were everywhere at once. His whole body was twitching and he was drenched in sweat.  
>Whatever was in his system was destroying it.<br>"You'll never win, Leo," Karai said from behind me; I didn't need to face her to hear the smile in her voice. "You, you're brothers and your Rat Master, we'll take you all out. You turtles don't need to go in a specific order. But we're definitely saving Splinter for last. So that he can know the pain he caused my father. So he can know what it's like to lose a family."  
>The rest of her speech faded out at that point. The only sound was Raph's erratic breathing.<br>I was an idiot.  
>I let Karai distract me, and let me think I'd had the upper hand. Master Splinter had never been more correct than when he told me that the Kunoichi's most powerful weapon was deception.<br>And that Karai was a master of it.  
>I instantly rushed forward towards my brother's body on the floor, T-phone in hand dialing Donnie's number.<br>I grabbed Raph's good arm and pulled him up, supporting his weight as I started pulling him towards the door.  
>He was covered in sweat, but his body was like ice.<br>The sound of Karai's laughing faded out as I pulled Raph out of there.  
>Donnie finally picked up on seventh ring.<br>"Hey, Leo..." Donnie sounded like he was taken back, no doubt by everything Sensei had told them while I was gone. "Did you find Raph?"  
>I tried supporting Raph's weight entirely, but it was near impossible while trying to talk to Donnie on the phone.<br>He sounded like he was barely breathing.  
>"What is that raspy noise?" Donnie asked in my three seconds of silence. "Leo, what's going on?"<br>"Donnie, I need you here now," I told him. "We've got a serious problem."

* * *

><p><strong>Karley, we hate you and your cliffhangers. Hahaaa, I know guys, I'm starting to hate myself too! I thought I'd be finished with this story by now. I never expected it to have more chapters than Trust did.<br>So that being said, this probably will end by part eight. We'll see what I decide to do.**

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	7. Chapter 7

I had finally learned what the hardest thing in life was. It had taken over 15 years of life, but I had finally figured it out.  
>There were physically tough things in life, like years of ninja training.<br>There were emotionally devastating things, like telling your brothers to leave you behind on a giant Kraang ship so they could get away, and watching them tell you they couldn't do it.  
>There were mentally horrific things, like hearing the story of your family racing to get you home after you'd been gravely injured by a stab wound and seeing the faces of them as they recalled it.<br>There were shocking things, like learning that your worst enemy is actually your father's daughter.  
>There were countless bad things that could happen in you, but above all of that, there was one thing worse than all of them.<br>In fact, it was all of them combined.  
>The worst thing you can ever go through, the absolute worst thing a person could go through in life is saying goodbye.<br>Saying goodbye to you brother, and knowing it's all your fault he's going to die.

* * *

><p><em><strong><em><strong><strong>***Post <strong>**_Trust_****,****_ post Slash and Destroy_**_._**_**_

Leonardo's P.O.V.

I had finally learned what the hardest thing in life was. It had taken over 15 years of life, but I had finally figured it out.  
>There were physically tough things in life, like years of ninja training.<br>There were emotionally devastating things, like telling your brothers to leave you behind on a giant Kraang ship so they could get away, and watching them tell you they couldn't do it.  
>There were mentally horrific things, like hearing the story of your family racing to get you home after you'd been gravely injured by a stab wound and seeing the faces of them as they recalled it.<br>There were shocking things, like learning that your worst enemy is actually your father's daughter.  
>There were countless bad things that could happen in you, but above all of that, there was one thing worse than all of them.<br>In fact, it was all of them combined.  
>The worst thing you can ever go through, the absolute worst thing a person could go through in life is saying goodbye.<br>Saying goodbye to you brother, and knowing it's all your fault he's going to die.

*****Post _Trust_,_ post Slash and Destroy_**_._

_**Leonardo's P.O.V.**_

"What do you mean by 'a serious problem,' Leo?" Donnie's voice came slowly over the receiver of my T-phone.  
>His voice sounded so strange, like he wasn't all the way there. Like he and Mikey's talk with Master Splinter after I had left to go find Raph had tripped him up. Bad.<br>"Is that Leo?" I could hear Mikey's voice in the background. "Is something wrong with him? Did he find Raph?"  
>He sounded just the same as Donnie did: sad, maybe a little confused. In shock, I guess, was the best way to describe it.<br>What had Sensei told them? _How much _had Sensei told them?  
>My mind began racing through the possibilities...until I heard the struggled coughing of my practically limp brother next to me.<br>The world around me froze as I analyzed my brother.  
>Raph looked completely pale. I could feel his body quivering softly with each short, raspy intake of breath he managed. He was wheezing silently and covered in sweat. All the while he was blinking repeatedly, like he was trying to make sense of everything around him.<br>And I could only come to one conclusion: whatever poison Karai had given him was slowly destroying his body.  
>He was <em>dying.<em>  
><em>"Leo,<em> are you there?" Donnie's voice sounded off, bringing me back to the world.  
>I snapped back into action, walking Raph down an alley next to the Shredder's lair. We hadn't gotten far, Raph could barely breathe, let alone walk. I carried him with one arm and held my T-phone to my head with the other. It wasn't exactly easy...<br>"Donnie, listen to me," I quickly responded. "Raph's got some kind of drug in him. I don't know what it is but it's not good."  
>All traces of the shock I had heard earlier was quickly pulled out of Donnie's voice.<br>"What are his symptoms?" he demanded.  
>I could hear him shuffling around, like he was already on his way to the lab.<br>I had to hand it to Donnie, he never wasted time, no matter what was going on.  
>"Uh," I looked over my brother again for the millionth time. "Sweating, he feels cold, he's coughing, he can barely walk, he can barely breathe..."<br>I was rattling off things as fast as I could, and I could practically hear Donnie's concentration through his mumbles over the phone.  
>Raph and I had reached the back of the darkened alley after what felt like years. Donnie was no longer responding to me but I could hear the motion of his T-phone, accompanied by Mikey's questions in the background.<br>_"D, what is it? What's the matter? What do I do with this?"_  
>I knew Donnie was already in action, I knew if anyone could save Raph at this point, it was him...but his silence was freaking me out.<br>I needed to know that Donnie knew what to do. I needed him to verbally tell me he could fix this.  
>I needed him to say he could save our brother.<br>I just...I needed that reassurance. And the silence wasn't giving me that.  
>"Donnie, what do I do?" I asked him, growing more and more frantic.<br>No response. Just more shuffling and Mikey's questions.  
>"What is this for? Are Leo and Raph in trouble? Should I get Sensei? Are we-"<br>Mikey was cut off by another round of Raph's coughing.  
>I covered his mouth for him. When I pulled my hand away, the wrapping around my fingers was tinted red. Raph sunk further and further towards the ground.<br>_Oh no..._  
>"DONNIE!" I practically screamed into my T-phone.<br>"Leo, is Raph awake?" he asked me suddenly, his voice void of all emotions.  
>The monotone that was Donnie speaking to me in those moments terrified me. Donnie isn't an emotionless person: he'd always been very open with whatever emotions he was feeling. His sarcasm was always a good reflection of that.<br>So to hear Donnie be so serious, so void of feelings...  
>Well, in that moment, I would have preferred the silence.<br>I pulled Raph up higher towards me and watched his eyes. They shifted up to me and settled on me.  
>He was awake. It was the first time I had felt any small relief all night.<br>"He's awake," I informed Donnie, not taking my eyes off of Raph's.  
>"Leo, keep him awake, do you understand?" Donnie spoke very flatly. "Mikey and I have your location and we're on our way in the Shellraiser. We're coming as fast as we can but you have to keep Raphael awake."<br>With that, the line disconnected and I was alone with Raph, who was fighting for his life.  
>His eyes had fallen back to the ground and his breathing was getting louder and louder, like it was taking more effort for him to get oxygen.<br>I didn't know how long it would take Donnie and Mikey to get there. I didn't know if Donnie could actually help Raph or not. I didn't know if I could help Raph or not.  
>All I knew was that this night was hell, and that there was no way it could have been worse.<br>Until I heard voices.  
>"Karai said search EVERYWHERE!" Rahzar called from the mouth of the alley.<br>I backed my brother and myself further into the shadows of the corners. I could see Rahzar and Fishface directing Foot ninjas in all different directions.  
>"She said they couldn't have gotten far, not with one of them poisoned," Fishface added. "And there's no way they could have gone up, unless one left the other behind."<br>My hand covered Raph's mouth again, trying desperately to silence his erratic breathing. I knew Rahzar could pick up the sound with his ears so sensitive, and at that point, the only thing concealing us was the shadows.  
>I couldn't fight off Rahzar and Fishface on my own while defending Raph. I knew I couldn't. I wasn't good enough.<br>If I was good enough, we wouldn't even be in the situation we were in...  
>Raph's breathing slowed down tremendously. Either Raph understood he had to be quiet, or his lungs weren't working.<br>I wanted to look down at him, but I kept my eyes locked on the mouth of the alley, on Fishface and Rahzar.  
>"I'll find them first, and when Master Shredder rewards me, maybe I'll use my raise and give you a dog bone," Fishface said before taking off on his own.<br>Rahzar scoffed. I held my breath as I waited for him to run off in his own direction.  
>He didn't.<br>Instead he raised his head to the sky and inhaled the air. On instinct, his nose tilted in our direction.  
>My heart skipped a beat.<br>No...  
>"Raph," I frantically whispered to him. "Raph, I need you to grab onto my shoulders. I need you to do it bro, I know you can."<br>His only response was to shudder.  
>"I can smell you, turtles..." Rahzar announced. "I know you're close..."<br>"Raph, please, come on bro..." I begged him.  
>Very weakly, I felt his hands wrap around my shoulders. I quickly and quietly - well, as quietly as possible - hoisted him up on my shell piggyback style. He grunted softly but said nothing else.<br>Raph was pure muscle, and he was heavy. I didn't know if I could actually carry him, but I did know I wasn't about to leave him behind.  
>"I can smell your fear, freaks..." Rahzar said slowly as he began inching towards us.<br>He scarped his claws against a dumpster before he tossed it to the side and checked behind it.  
>It rolled around creating loud noises, which was exactly what I needed.<br>He slowly inched along, whispering threats menacingly until he had made his way to the second dumpster. When he threw it, I climbed onto one and leapt for the fire escape over head, Raph hanging on to me as I piggybacked his weight.  
>I felt like I was carrying a sack of bricks, and I didn't know how I had even managed to grab on to that fire escape carrying that weight. I was just thankful Rahzar hadn't heard the noises due to the crashing of his throwing things around.<br>We were still covered by the darkness as I tried to reach for the next handle of the ladder. It was so difficult.  
>I made a mental note to myself that if I survived this night to start working out more...<br>Raph's soft shaking and cold body pressed against me, and I knew I had to make it to the top. Failure was not an option at that point; I had failed Raph enough times this night and I swore to myself I wouldn't do it again. So I pushed myself beyond my limits. I used 110% of my strength to climb to the top of that platform and out of Dogpound's reach.  
>Each time I climbed had to be perfectly timed. When Rahzar would make a noise, I would use it to hide the sounds of my motions. Simple strategy, and good use of stealth.<br>At the top and out of breath, I gently set Raph down and looked down over the ledge back down to Rahzar, who had made it to where Raph and I were standing moments prior. He was growling, obviously frustrated to come up empty handed. I waited to see what his next move was.  
>When he started sniffing around again, I took the hilt of my katana in my hand. He knew we were there, and it was only a matter of time before he looked up and found us.<br>I just hoped I could beat Rahzar on my own when it came to that.  
>"Are you going to waste all night or are you going to help us?!" Fishface's voice suddenly appeared from the alley's entrance.<br>"I thought I smelled something," Rahzar retorted angrily.  
>"Your nose is about as useless as you are," Fishface hissed. "Stop wasting time and come help us search."<br>Rahzar growled again, but reluctantly followed Fishface out of the alley.  
>I sank to my knees, the relief I felt in those moments overwhelming me.<br>But the danger wasn't over yet.  
>I crawled over to my brother, kneeling in front of and inspecting him.<br>His eyes were dropping as he continued to struggle for air.  
>"<em>Keep him awake<em>," Donnie's voice rang out in my mind. "_You have to keep Raphael awake._"  
>I put my hands on both of his shoulders and shook him slightly.<br>"Raph, can you hear me buddy?" I asked softly.  
>"Yeah," he answered weakly, followed by a fit of coughing. "I can hear you, Fearless."<br>More relief washed over me, like the waves over a beach. I had never been so happy to hear Raph taunt me with that stupid nickname. A nickname that definitely didn't apply to me, because I was so afraid he was going to die.  
>"Damn it, Raph," I could feel tears pricking at my eyes. "What the hell have you gotten yourself into?"<br>I was so happy that my brother was still alive somehow, but I was so angry that he was in this state.  
>And I was mortified knowing I could have, should have prevented this.<br>He didn't respond that time. He just kept his eyes downcast and focused on breathing.  
>I sat there and waited. I sat there and waited for some kind of response, some kind of notice.<br>I could tell from his eyes that there were millions of things going through his head.  
>He opened his mouth like he was going to say something.<br>I listened.  
>His eyes began to close...<br>"RAPH," I said loudly.  
>His eyes shot open. Well...half way open, as open as they could be. A jolt of shock rocked his body and he started coughing again.<br>"Sorry!" I instantly regretted my abruptness. "Sorry..."  
>He just kept coughing and shaking. And in between his coughing fits, his jagged breaths were the only source of noise.<br>It hurt so badly to see him in so much pain.  
>Raph is not someone who openly expresses if he's hurt. He loves the tough guy act, he loves not to appear weak to those around him.<br>"How are you feeling?" I asked quietly.  
>I thought maybe he could reassure me that he was okay.<br>"Everything-hurts," he clarified, his tone almost sarcastic.  
>It was like he didn't believe I could be so oblivious to his obvious pain. I just couldn't take acknowledging it, because I knew it was my fault.<br>His eyes started to fall again.  
>"RAPH," I repeated, desperate not to see him fall asleep.<br>Especially not if Donnie told me he couldn't.  
>"Donnie told me I had to keep you awake until he gets here," I told him. "He said you can't fall asleep."<br>Raph groaned, and shook his head slightly.  
>"I guess we can just talk about stuff, if you're up to it..." I offered.<br>"Heh, and if I refuse?" he asked weakly.  
>I smiled sadly at him, because I knew exactly what he was doing. He knew I blamed myself for this, he knew how horrible I felt for what he was going through.<br>And he was trying to take some of that pain away, to make me feel better, just like he always had done for me.

***  
><em>We were seven years old. Of course we weren't ninja masters like Sensei. We were only seven years old.<br>But that didn't stop me from trying.  
>"Hold the blade high, Leonardo," Sensei corrected me for what felt like the millionth time.<br>I felt so inferior to my brothers, they were all adapting to their weapons so much easier than I was. Maybe it was because their weapons weren't as heavy as these katanas.  
>Maybe it was because their weapons didn't hold the power mine did; the power to easily end a life...<br>Maybe I Sensei would still let me change weapons, it had only been a week...  
>I shook my head furiously.<br>I would not back down from these swords: I had killed that fish, and that was not something I could just walk away from. I would carry those **scars** forever, and I would live with it.  
>"HIGHER, LEONARDO," Sensei corrected me again.<br>I gritted my teeth and raised that impossibly heavy sword even higher. The blade now as high as I could possibly manage.  
>Raph's eyes traced the length of the blade before him, and held his Sais to his side.<br>"Raphael, I will teach you how to disarm an opponent using your Sais. Leonardo, raise it higher!"  
>"I can't, Sensei!" I reluctantly admitted to him.<br>My arms were shaking from supporting the weight of the blade, and my eyes were squeezed shut in an attempt at concentration. I absolutely could not hold it any higher. Raphael was watching me, nerved face but nervous eyes.  
>"HIGHER!" Sensei commanded.<br>Suddenly, the weight was gone. And there was screaming.  
>I didn't know what happened.<br>My eyes opened to see my sword on the ground, Sensei kneeling over Raph in front of me, and blood all over the place.  
>All over my sword.<br>It was my fault. I had dropped my sword and cut Raph in the chest.  
>Sensei was frantically wiping the blood away, and I fell to my knees, the pain of what I had done sinking in and weighing me down.<br>Raph's crying died down gradually, and Sensei exhaled.  
>"It is not a serious cut," he informed us. "I will go get the medical supplies to wrap it. Leonardo, stay with your brother. Raphael, hold this cloth on your cut."<br>With that, Sensei picked up our weapons and disappeared out of the room.  
>It took me a few seconds, but I finally managed to crawl over to Raphael.<br>His hysterical sobbing had died down to only a few sniffles.  
>He always had to be the tough guy...<br>"I'm sorry..." I said slowly, sniffling myself. "I didn't mean...I wasn't trying-"  
>"It's fine," he cut me off.<br>I looked at him, and he looked at me.  
>His expression told me he was in a lot of pain, but his eyes told me he understood I hadn't intended it.<br>A few moments of silence passed between us, and I reached for his blood-soaked cloth to see the damage I had caused.  
>There was a small, strange crack in his plastron. One that would more than likely never heal.<br>I gasped. I had given my brother **scars**. And although he tried to make me feel better, a new wave of guilt washed over me.  
>Raph sensed my unease.<br>"So what now?" he asked, recovering his wound.  
>I stayed silent. He frowned more.<br>"I guess we can talk about stuff until Sensei comes back," he suggested. "You know, unless you wanna be a baby and stay quiet."  
>I had to chuckle at that. He was always taunting me.<br>"And what if I refuse?" I teased him back._

"We match," I breathed, coming out of my flashback.  
>He continued to wheeze and slowly raised an eyebrow.<br>I pointed to my _**scars**_ and pointed to his.  
>"We match," I repeated. "We both have <em><strong>scars<strong>_ on our shoulders."  
>"Oh. Yeah."<br>Raph covered his mouth again and coughed. His body vibrated violently as his weak lungs tried to suck in air, but to no avail.  
>My brother was dying, and I had no idea where Donnie and Mikey were.<br>"I'm sorry I let this happen," I told him, closing my eyes to block the tears from spilling.  
>He looked at me, and I looked away from him, no longer able to bear seeing him in the state he was in.<br>"I'm sorry I let you leave, I'm sorry I let you end up like this. I'm sorry you're in pain because of me."  
>I was rattling off apologies left and right. I could stop myself from apologizing or everything I had to.<br>As scary a thought it was, I had to tell him everything I felt, because I might not had had the chance to later...  
>"I'm sorry I let you-"<br>"Shut up, Leo," he cut me off. "Just shut the fuck up please."  
>My eyes were back on him instantly.<br>"This isn't your fault," he spoke with effort. "It's mine. I was the one who left, I was the one who made the deal with Karai..."  
>He squeezed his eyes shut and balled his hands into a loose fist.<br>"What deal...?" I asked him.  
>"I made a deal with Karai to take out Master Splinter..." he whispered.<br>I gasped softly, trying to hide it. But he had heard me.  
>"I was sick of it," he clarified. "I was sick of seeing you guys treat Splinter like he had done nothing wrong. You almost died because of him Leo, and that has been eating at me for months now.<br>"I couldn't take it anymore, and Karai offered me a deal: she said she would take care of him and we wouldn't have to worry about the stupid feud between Shredder and Splinter anymore. She said we could have walked away. I agreed only for you guys.  
>"But I've come to realize why it was a mistake. I realize that, no matter how much I hated him for disarming you, it was actually my fault. I should have been better. Then you wouldn't have had to jump in the way. I can blame Master Splinter all I want, but in the end, it was my fault. I just want you to know that, if I die tonight, I died knowing I have been blaming the wrong person all this time.<br>"And I want you to know that I'm sorry, and that I love you guys. That if me dying right here means I protected our family, than I died in peace."  
>I looked at him, feeling absolutely more wretched than I had before he started his small speech.<br>His words forced the ones I had been holding back to come out.  
>"Raph, Karai is Splinter's daughter. Karai is Miwa."<br>His eyes opened a little wider than before, almost like he didn't believe me.  
>"That night Karai took me, when I came back home, he told me the truth. Karai is Splinter's daughter. That's why he saved her. My getting stabbed was just a consequence of diving in front of you guys, but that was why he did it. I told you Sense always has a reason for the things he does..."<br>Raph's face was still twisted from the pain he was feeling, but his eyes calmed down significantly. It was like he couldn't exactly process the new information I had just given him, and I didn't blame him.  
>I could barely process it the night I found out either.<br>But if Raph truly had to die here, if there was one last thing I could ever tell him, it would be that.  
>Raph knew I loved him, and Donnie and Mikey. I didn't have to waste my last words on something cliche like "I love you" with Raph. I just had to leave him with the one thing that could truly resolve all of his anger with Splinter, and that was the truth.<br>I didn't care if it wasn't my place to tell him. He deserved the truth.  
>"Huh," was all he said before a new round of soft coughing took over.<br>He coughed for a few moments and closed his eyes again.  
>"Raph, stay awake," I told him.<br>No response.  
>Tear spilled over my eyes at that point. I couldn't hold them back anymore.<br>"Raph, wake up," I said louder.  
>Nothing.<br>"Raph," I was getting desperate.  
>I moved closer to him and started shaking him.<br>He was breathing, but barely. He didn't have much time left.  
>I couldn't even keep him awake. I failed my brother again.<br>The horn of the Shellraiser startled me.  
>"LEO!" Donnie yelled from the streets.<br>I jumped up and ran to the ledge, signaling Donnie.  
>"WE'RE UP HERE!" I screamed down to him.<br>Donnie and Mikey climbed up to the rooftop instantly.  
>"How is he?" Donnie asked as he started inspecting Raph.<br>"He's..." I tried, but I was panicking.  
>I didn't know how he was.<br>Donnie didn't waste any time. He'd always been good under pressure.  
>"Mikey, Leo, help me get him down to the Shellraiser," he instructed.<br>The three of us rapidly carried him down to the Shallraiser and laid him on the medical table. Donnie stayed completely silent and focused as he strapped an oxygen mask and IV's up to Raph's limp form.  
>"I'm sorry, Donnie," I frantically cried. "I tried to keep him awake, I really did, I tried but I couldn't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."<br>I was speaking so fast, not knowing was to do. I couldn't stare at anything but the floor. The reality of the situation was hitting me harder and harder.  
>I didn't know if Raph was going to live or die.<br>"Leo," Donnie hands fell on my shoulders, forcing me to look up into his eyes.  
>His strong, focused eyes.<br>"Leo you did everything you could and more," Donnie reassured me. "Right now, you need to be strong for us, like you always are. If I can save Raph, I need to do it at home. You need to get us home, right now."  
>I doubted him, because I had already failed. I didn't know if I could so this.<br>That was when Mikey came up to me.  
>"Bro, if anyone can save Raph, it's you," he told me. "Get us home."<br>Mikey and Donnie both looked at he with so much faith is me, it almost broke me down.  
>My eyes then fell to Raph's face. The face of my brother who needed me to save him, just like he had saved me months before.<br>And then I saw his scar, and my hand touched my own scars.  
>I knew I couldn't break down. I knew my brother needed me to save him.<br>And I refused to let him die.

* * *

><p><strong>One. More. Chapter. !.<br>**What's gonna happen next?! I don't know! Wait and see!

And for my shameless self promotion, follow this story and more on the All-Things-TMNT tumblr! =]


	8. Chapter 8

I failed, I let everyone down.  
>My brothers tried to convince me that I hadn't...but I knew I did.<br>I could see it written all over their faces. I could hear it in the way they spoke to me.  
>The sadness I had caused was like a think blanket of fog, suffocating us inside of the lair.<br>And I couldn't make it go away: I was the one who let it in.  
>I had done everything I could, and I wasn't good enough.<br>I wasn't good enough to save my brother.

* * *

><p><strong>***Post <strong>**_Trust_****,****_ post Slash and Destroy_**_._

_**Leonardo's P.O.V.**_

I woke with a jolt.  
>I didn't know what I was dreaming about, I didn't remember. I just knew it scared me.<br>The first thing I registered was my heavy breathing. I did my best to be still and regulate it.  
>The second thing was the light layer of sweat on me. Whatever I had seen in that dream was bad.<br>The third thing was that date. The digital clock on my wall told me it was the ninth.  
>The forth thing was the I was actually in my bed. I shouldn't have been in my room.<br>And the fifth was that I actually slept at all. I wasn't supposed to-  
><em>Donnie.<em>  
>I slowly jumped out of bed, heading for the kitchen. Judging from the time, Donnie would be in there making breakfast.<br>The second I opened my door, I remembered why it was awful being cold blooded. The lair was cold in every sense of the word. No one cared enough to turn on the heater, and everyone was emotionally frozen.  
>I shuffled my way right past the thermostat, not even bothering to touch it. What would be the point, anyway?<br>I pushed through the door to the kitchen and saw Donnie's back to me. He was working on something at the counter. This was the only other place Donnie had been outside of his lab for five days.  
>Mikey sat seated silently at the table, absentmindedly poking his pizza. I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen him eat something, or speak.<br>Sensei was no where to be seen. He was no doubt still in the lab. He hadn't left since we'd gotten back.

***  
><em>"Leo, get the Shellraiser door open now!"<br>I literally broke the button I slammed it so hard to open the door.  
>Everything was in fast motion, there was absolutely no time for anything. It felt like there wasn't even enough time to breathe.<br>I helped Donnie and Mikey get Raph's unconscious body onto the stretcher we'd laid him on, and we pushed him through the door and ran through the lair.  
>Master Splinter was there in the living room, watching as we made our way frantically to the lab.<br>For a split second, my eyes locked with Sensei's.  
>And everything that was in fast motion came to a complete stop.<br>His eyes were the epitome of every emotion.  
>He was happy that we were back.<br>He was terrified that Raph was basically lifeless on a stretcher.  
>I couldn't tear myself away from his eyes, they held me in place. They made time stop.<br>The image of them was still burning in my head when we got into Donnie's lab.  
>"Mikey get a new oxygen tank," Donnie started spewing out orders rapidly. "Leo, grab the...LEO!"<br>I shook, Donnie's voice bringing me back to the moment.  
>"Leo get me the black box on my desk!"<br>I was half in reality and half now as I lunged across the room for that box. As soon as I dropped it into Donnie's hands I instantly took a step back.  
>I looked up to see Master Splinter next to Donnie. He was looking down at Raph with all those emotions still in his eyes, silently praying that Donnie could save Raph.<br>I left the lab then, trying to convince myself that it was so I could give Donnie the space he needed.  
>I knew it was actually because I couldn't take looking at what I had done to my brother.<br>I've never hated myself more._

Seeing all of the hurt I had caused my family and how it was spilling into our lives still days after it all happened...it was the worst thing in the world.  
>"Donnie," I called to him. "That's the second time."<br>He didn't even bother to turn and look at me.  
>"Yeah, well, Leo, you have to sleep at some point," he replied, completely monotone in his corner. "There's no point in destroying your body, too."<br>I cringed. His words had hurt me, and I don't think he noticed.  
>For the past five days since we'd returned, I'd done everything I could to avoid both Donnie's lab, and sleeping. I stayed in the living room all night and absent-mindedly trained, which was more like swinging my swords while my brain destroyed itself thinking of ways I could have tried to prevent any of this from happening.<br>"You're probably not helping drugging me so I can sleep," I replied lamely. I was too emotionally drained to use any emotion in my reply, no matter how devastated I felt inside.  
>On two separate occasions, this being the second time, Donnie had come to me saying he had to tell me something, and when I had gotten close enough to him to listen, he'd inject me with some type of sleeping drug he'd made.<br>"Please, Leo," Donnie replied almost sarcastically, bitterly. "Me giving you a little sleeping aid is better for you than trying to stay up for days on end."  
>My mouth opened but no response came out.<br>I had no defense. He had beaten me with words.  
>"Doesn't really matter at this point," I finally rebutted. "It's my fault any of this happened."<br>Immediately after I said it, I regretted it. There was a only a second of silence left and I knew it.  
>"PLEASE STOP DOING THAT," Donnie slammed down whatever he was working on.<br>Mikey and I both jumped, and Mikey turned to watch from the table.  
>"Please stop trying to pin what happened on you, Leo," Donnie went on, finally turning to face me. "It was all of our faults. We've all accepted it. Just because you were the one to get stabbed probably wouldn't have changed this outcome. We still would have ended up here, exactly where we are. Raph would have left wether it was me or Mikey or you or me or whoever."<br>"But I shouldn't have let this happen!" I rebuked, trying to save an argument that was already lost. "I shouldn't have let Raph leave. He wouldn't have died if I had been better. If I hadn't failed and let you guys down..."  
>I broke down then, because I couldn't do anything else. Tears streamed down my face as I put every ounce of strength I had into trying to stop.<br>Donnie instantly shut up, not knowing how to approach me.  
>I felt like I was having a panic attack. I felt like I couldn't breathe.<br>My family was torn apart and my fighting with Donnie wasn't doing a damn thing to fix that, not that it could be fixed.  
>I did this, I let this all happen.<br>And it was slowly killing me.  
><em>Just like the poison in Raph's body...<em>  
>The second that thought sounded in my head, I snapped.<br>I turned to the left and let my fist fly directly into the thing I was closest to, which ended up being a cabinet door beside me. The wooden door splintered and little pieces of wood wedged themselves into my fingers and tore up my skin.  
>The second the physical pain hit me, I stopped.<br>Seeing the blood start to pool on my fingers and feeling the stinging pain  
>It was like it shattered the barrier around me and brought me back to the real world. I didn't know where I went, but I was back in my kitchen at that moment.<br>"Leo, what the hell?!" Donnie snapped, first to react.  
>He grabbed my hand and inspected it.<br>"I need to go get a medical kit and clean this out," he muttered. "Can't have you getting infected too."  
>With that comment, he left the room.<br>I stood there in silence with Mikey, clutching my hand to my chest and turning my back to him, trying to conceal my blood from his vision. I knew he had a problem with it.  
>When I felt his hand softly fall upon my shoulder, I shivered. I turned to face him, still holding my hand and hoping he couldn't see the red.<br>"Are you okay?" he asked me, completely calm.  
>I didn't miss how his eyes never left mine. He refused to look down. He was terrified of what was on my hand, and yet here he was, completely focused on me, and my emotional stability.<br>"I'm fine," I replied, watching him, waiting for the freak out.  
>He never did, but he never looked down either.<br>Mikey, my baby brother, understood that it wasn't about what he feared. It was about being strong for me. Something that I had been failing at for him, and for the others, miserably.  
>He was everything I needed to be for my family, and exactly what I couldn't do. I failed again. The realization hit me harder than anything ever before.<br>And I did the worst possible thing I could have done...I ran.  
>I fled out of the room so quickly, I didn't even have time to hear how he reacted.<br>My actions were stupid. They were rash and heated and completely over dramatic...like Raph.  
><em>STOP.<em>  
><em>I<em> shook my head violently as I ran with no pinpointed destination, willing the thoughts in my head to go away. But these voices, the voices of my family, kept reminding me that I had let them down.  
><em>"Some leader," mocked Donnie.<em>  
><em>"You did this," Mikey accused. <em>  
><em>"This is your fault, Leo," Raph spit.<em>  
><em>"You failed," scolded Sensei.<em>  
>"STOP!" I screamed aloud.<br>'_Stop-stop-stop-stop-stop..._'  
>My voice echoed on the walls around me. I looked around me and instantly found myself in the old drainage junction of the sewers. The place where my brothers and I first took down Chris Bradford and Xever...<br>My brothers...all of my brothers...  
>I feel to my knees, unable to stand against all of the guilt weighing me down .And the voices continued.<br>_"Look at what you've done," Mikey resounded._  
><em>"How could you let this happen?" questioned Donnie.<em>  
><em>"You let us all down," Sensei said.<br>"You let me down," Raph specified._  
>I cried. It was like I was drugged and hallucinating. I knew my family wasn't actually there, speaking to me. It wasn't actually happening.<br>But their words, their accusations...it was all too real.  
>And they didn't let up.<br>_"Why are you even the leader?" Mikey wondered._  
><em>"I made a mistake choosing you." Sensei sighed.<em>  
><em>"I told you that you weren't good enough," Raph reminded me.<em>  
><em>"How could we ever have expected anything different?" Donnie asked.<em>  
>"I'm sorry," I told them.<br>I had nothing else to say, no other way to respond. Everything they were saying was true. And as much as their words hurt, I needed to hear them. I deserved to hear them.  
>"I'm sorry," I chanted over and over as I hugged my knees to my chest, listening to my cries bounce off of the walls of the chamber I was in.<br>My apologies could have resounded an infinite number of times and they still wouldn't have been good enough.  
>The rest of eternity couldn't be enough time for me to make up for the mistakes I had made. For letting my brother slip into a coma as we counted the days until his heart stopped beating.<br>I lost track of the time I laid there and apologized to no voices finally faded away as I was left alone to think about what my not being good enough had done.  
>I didn't know which was worse: the silence, or the accusations.<br>I passed the time by counting the seconds, and thinking about Raph's heartbeat. Every two seconds for one heartbeat...how many more seconds did he have? Was I wasting my time being here and not being with him? Would he even want me to be there with him?  
>Would any of them want me to go back?<br>"Leo?" Donnie's voice was coming back to me.  
><em>No<em>...  
>I couldn't take anymore of my brothers telling me how badly I screwed up. My hands desperately flew to my head, clutching my sides and trying to block out the voice. My eyes snapped shut, trying to block out everything else.<br>It only served to make the voice louder.  
>"Leo?" Donnie called again in my head.<br>"Please stop," I whispered to myself. "Please stop."  
>"Leo, where are you?"<br>Just like before, the voice was relentless.  
>"I'm sorry," I said louder. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please just stop, I'm sorry."<br>"Leo!"  
>My eyes opened to see Donnie kneeling beside me, looking over me frantically.<br>I knew what was happening. I was actually hallucinating now. The guilt was that bad.  
>"Leo, are you okay?" Fake Donnie started to interrogate me. "Is this where you've been? Why didn't you come back? Why did you leave in the first place?<br>_You guys don't need me anyway..._  
>My reply to the fake Donnie didn't cause a reaction. It was completely silent. But he was still there...was my own mind trying to torture me that badly?<br>"Leo, can you hear me?" Donnie looked increasingly worried. "Can you speak to me?"  
><em>I am?<br>_Are my thoughts not loud enough?  
>Fake Donnie's eyes drifted to my chest.<br>"Is your hand okay?"  
>My hand?<br>That's when the dull pain I had been ignoring for hours came back to me. Actually, it wasn't very dull at all. It was burning almost.  
>"Ow," I said aloud.<br>"Oh thank God, Leo, i thought something was seriously wrong with you," Apparently-Real-Donnie exhaled and pulled me up to sit and face him.  
>This wasn't a hallucination. My brother was actually here, he had actually been looking for me. <em>He cared enough to look for me<em>.  
>"What are you doing here, Leo?" Donnie asked, taking my hand and looking over it like he had earlier.<br>"I don't know," I admitted, holding back a wince as he moved my hand around.  
>I hadn't realized how badly it was hurting until it was pointed out to me. Now it felt like hell fire.<br>"I'm sure you know," Donnie challenged me while twisting my hand again.  
>I sighed. Donnie always knew there was an answer behind the answer. It's probably how he became as smart as he was: he always pushed for the other answers...<br>"I just couldn't go home and face all of you guys..." I admitted, knowing there was no way around it. "Not after I let all of you down the way I-"  
>"Leo, stop," he silenced me. "I told you, you didn't let any of us down."<br>"Yes I-"  
>"Leo."<br>I shut up then. I could tell Donnie had a speech prepared and I was going to hear it one way or another.  
>He took a deep breath.<br>"Do you know how I felt the night Karai almost killed you months ago?" he started.  
>Well...that threw me off. I was expecting the typical 'we all share the blame, none of this is your fault' speech.<br>I shook my head, curious as to what he would say. Out of my three brothers, Donnie was the most reserved about that night. I never knew how he felt about it, I never did see anything from his point of view.  
>I hoped he didn't have the <em><strong>scars<strong>_ that Raph and I had...  
>"It all happened so fast..." he paused, trying to find the right words. "I felt scared. Terrified even. I swear to you, Leo, I had never known fear until that very night, when we were trying to get you back.<br>"I went over all the basic stuff I knew, of course. First I had to get your heart beats drastically reduced so you'd stop losing so much blood...I had to clean your wound and get you morphine and...Well, it was a lot. Stuff you probably don't care to know right now.  
>"I like to think you'd have been proud of me if you could see me. I did everything I could to hold myself together. I had to be the stable one, because Raph was beyond all pain and Mikey was an absolute wreck. I was also destroyed on the inside, but fuck, Leo...you would have never been able to tell. If Raph wasn't rocking the Shellraiser with his insane driving, you would have seen my entire body shaking with the fear I felt.<br>"You know why I was able to stay so calm even though I wasn't? I was trying to be you. I was trying to be the fearless leader we've always seen you be.  
>I know every thing you feel right now because I felt it that night too. I know what it's like to feel completely useless and doubtful and that it's easier to just blame it all on yourself. I understand, I really do...but you inspired me to get through it all.<br>"I've watched you willingly sacrifice yourself with no hesitation for us countless times. I've learned the definition of selfless through your actions, and it's the thing I admire most about you. You have this ability to look hell in the eye and not back down. You inspire all of us, but mostly me.  
>"You are the strongest person I know, Leo. I look up to you in every way possible. You have never backed down when things got tough, why start now? You have not and will not ever let us all down. If Raph were able to, I know he'd look your directly in the eyes and tell you all the same. What you do isn't easy, we all know that. The way you do it is even harder, and we know that too.<br>"This pain you're carrying, this self loathing? It's not helping anyone. We're all hurting, we're all worried and we all want Raph to wake up. I'm sorry I snapped at you this morning but seeing you hurt this much is hurting all of us even more. My point is, destroying yourself won't wake Raph up and it won't help any of us. We are all here for you, Leo. We are all family, and no matter what happens, we'll all get through it together. No one blames you, no one hates you, you didn't fail us. and you especially didn't fail Raph."  
>I didn't know what reaction he was looking for from me. I literally sat there and tried to keep from breaking out into hysterical sobs, the pain in my hand completely forgotten again.<br>And I couldn't hold it back anymore. I threw my arms around Donnie and hugged him as tight as I could. My mouth refused to relay the praise and thanks he deserved, and I hoped he could feel how grateful I was through my hug.  
>He didn't say anything either. Just patted me on the back a few times before we let go and stood up.<br>"Let's get home," I told him, looking down on my hand.  
>"It's pretty swollen..." Donnie commented when we started walking. "I'm gonna need to clean it up and possibly wrap it. Does it hurt?"<br>"Pretty badly," I replied. "But I'll live."  
>Donnie smirked.<br>"Now that's the leader in blue I know and love."  
>I could only half smile back.<br>I was so glad to be going back home with my brother. I was glad my family still wanted me with them, and that Donnie's speech truly had made me feel better.  
>But it didn't erase the fact that I was going home to Raph, still in a coma that he might not wake up from. And I would still have to see Sensei watching over him in a constant vigil.<br>My feeling better didn't mean Raph was going to survive.  
>The walk back to the lair was mostly silent. I think we were both thinking of the same thing: Donnie would want to work on my hand in his lab, where I could see Raph and Sensei in the corner, neither moving.<br>It was going to make almost dying look fun.  
>"How is Sensei doing?" I asked, needing to know.<br>"The same," Donnie said. "He hasn't left the lab, barely eats the food I bring him, refuses to sleep."  
>"Can't you do to him what you did to me?" I offered. "Slip him something to help him sleep?"<br>"Leo, there's a difference between the way you and Master Splinter are seeing this. This is his son. It's hard on all of us, but if these really are Raph's final few days, I think Sensei would like to be as present as he can be before...you know."  
>I chewed on my lip for a moment, considering this.<br>"There's literally nothing else you can do to try to save him?"  
>"...No," Donnie admitted. "What Karai injected raph with was a mixture of Fishface's venom, which I've already dealt with before. That was easy to figure out, and I could have fixed it instantly...but there was something else in whatever Karai gave him. It was like a steroid, it made the effects of the venom much stronger and reacted much more violently with Raph's system that the last time.<br>"I tried to counter it by doing the exact same thing: mix my antidote with a similar steroid. Now it's basically a war inside of Raph, and we need to see which substance is stronger. Each thing is combatting each other...it's why he hasn't woken up yet."  
>I didn't say anything else, neither did he.<br>When we arrived back, Donnie pointed me in the direction of his lab.  
>"I'm going to go tell Mikey you're back, and then I'll come see about your hand."<br>With that, we separated. He walked to the kitchen and I stopped dead in front of the door.  
>My good hand rested on the doorknob for a few seconds. Donnie's words from earlier rang in my head. They needed me to be strong. My family needed me to be the leader they all thought I was.<br>And I wouldn't fail them at that.  
>I crossed the threshold and my eyes instantly drifted to Sensei's back and Raph's unconscious form in the far corner.<br>_No more hesitating..._  
>I walked directly over to them and looked down at Raph.<br>Sensei seemed startled by my sudden appearance. He turned to face me and I looked at him.  
>His eyes were bloodshot and dark. He looked beyond exhausted, in every sense of the word. My heart sank and I had to remind myself to breathe.<br>"Leonardo," he said slowly. "Donatello told me what happened. Please understand that none of this is your-"  
>"I know, Sensei," I stopped him, not needing to cause him any more grief. "I'm sorry I left."<br>He nodded and looked down at my hand for a moment before turning back to face Raph.  
>"Has anything happened?" I asked. "Anything at all?"<br>"No, nothing."  
>I bit my lip, the sadness starting to creep back into me.<br>"What can we do?" I asked him, determined not to let it get the better of me again.  
>"What do you mean, my son?" Sensei asked, confused. "Donatello's medicine is trying to work and all we can do is wait for the time being."<br>I shook my head.  
>"I don't believe that, Sensei," I told him. "I don't believe that. There had to be something we can do, anything. We have to try to do something."<br>Sensei closed his eyes and took a deep breath. I was beginning to fear that I had pushed him too far when he exhaled slowly.  
>"It is said that the voice of a loved one can guide a lost spirit back to its home," he finally responded.<br>"So what...just talk to him?" I asked.  
>Sensei nodded.<br>I took a deep breath, knowing I had so many things to say and there was no way I could ever say them all.  
>"Raph," I started lamely.<br>I took a few moment to piece together something to say, anything. I was lost in my thoughts and Sensei's presence faded to the back of my mind. It was like Raph and I were the only two people that existed in those moments.  
>"I guess I should start with I'm sorry," I spoke slowly. "I'm sorry for everything that happened and I'm sorry you ended up like this. I'm sorry for not talking to you when it was obvious you needed me. I'm sorry for not being the leader you needed me to be.<br>"I could sit here and rattle off apologies to you for the rest of forever, but that's not all I have to say. I want you to know that...everything I am...well, everything I try to be is for you. And Donnie and Mikey. I try to do everything in you guys' better interest, and I know I screw up sometimes. But that's why I have you, bro. You keep me in check. You make sure I don't always mess up and when I do, you motivate me to fix it.  
>"I can't live without that, Raph. You gotta fight this with everything you've got. And I know you, and how good of a fight you can put up. If you fight this with the same ferocity you fight me with on a daily basis, you'd wake up.<br>"You can do this, bro. I believe in you. We all do. So come on."  
>The moment was so tense when nothing happened. I didn't expect anything to, honestly...but still, it hurt.<br>Sensei's hand on my shoulder felt like six tons of bricks.  
>"He heard your words, my son," Sensei said. "He heard them and he understands. The most we can do now <em>is-"<em>  
><em>Moaning.<em>  
><em>Well...grunting.<em> Moaning and grunting. And slight stirring.  
>And coughing.<br>Lots of things were happening. Lots of little sounds and even littler movements.  
>Sensei and I watched wide-eyed as Raph's body slightly moved and he made little noises.<br>"Is he..." Mikey's voice rang from behind us.  
>"Raph?" Donnie's voice appeared too.<br>Seconds went by and Raph stilled again. No more noises were made.  
>We all exhaled in suspense, none of us realizing we were holding our breath. I felt tears pricking my eyes again...I thought he was actually going to...<br>More movement: Raph's fingers twitched.  
>"Raph," I said in the tense silence. "Come back to us, bro. C'mon..."<br>Raph's head inclined towards us all and we all gasped as his eyes opened slowly, blinking a few times trying to focus in on us.  
>"Don't-" Raph's voice weakly sounded. "Be so-dramatic-Leo..."<br>He grimaced and we could tell he used up a majority of the little strength he had to speak.  
>But he was awake. He was looking at us and he was breathing.<br>And I had never been so happy to be insulted by my brother.  
>It took everything I had not to burst into tears. I didn't know if he was still in medical danger, and I'm sure he was, but the fact was that he was conscious. He has spoken to us.<br>He was alive.  
>"Oh my God, bro!" Mikey cheered. "We didn't think you'd pull through!"<br>"It's a miracle that you did," Donnie patted him on the shoulder softly. "But I guess the rest of your body is as tough as your head..."  
>"Heh," Raph smirked weakly. "You guys-should know that-it's hard-to-keep me down."<br>That was when his eyes met my own.  
>There were no words spoken between us, and we didn't need them to tell each other how happy we were to see each other. I felt more relief and pride than I ever had in my life in those moments, and his eyes told me he felt the exact same way.<br>I was able to tear myself away to look over to Donnie, who was checking in on a machine that was hooked up to Raph.  
>"Well?" I questioned.<br>"The worst is past us," he smiled to himself. "Raph's gonna be down and out of action for the next few days for sure while his body totally recovers, but for the most part, he's through the toughest parts."  
>I looked back to Raph and the smile I had on instantly faded. I noticed he wasn't looking at me anymore, but to the right of me...he was looking at Sensei.<br>I didn't know what to do then. I didn't know whether or not to try to get Raph's attention back on me or to get Sensei out of the room or-  
>"My sons, I need to speak to Raphael privately," Sensei said softly.<br>It was like all the relief that had been there seconds before was gone. The tension and anxiety back in full force...  
>But we had no choice. Sensei had given an order and Donnie, Mikey and I exchanged a look of uncertainty.<br>Donnie and Mikey left the room after making sure Raph was stable enough, and I paused at the doorway looking back at them.  
>Raph's eyes met mine, all the emotions I had seen before gone. I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He gave me a small nod, wordlessly telling me to leave the room.<br>And I had to listen.  
>So I walked out and headed for the kitchen relieved that my brother was alive, but horrified at the possibilities of the conversation that was about to unfold.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>So...remember how I said that this would be the last part? Yeah...I couldn't finish it. So now there's a another part which will indeed be the final part of this story. I promise.<br>Remember to follow All-Things-TMNT on tumblr for this and more! **


	9. Chapter 9

Leo had told me about this place before. About this dark place that I was in now.  
>He told me about how lonely could be. How lost and confused he felt when he was here the night he almost died. He told me how he had made the choice to leave and come back to us.<br>And now here I was, on the brink of death and exploring this awful place.  
>I wandered around, looking for something. Anything.<br>But there was only darkness.  
>The was absolute nothingness.<br>And maybe I deserved this, maybe this was where I was meant to be.  
>I didn't even know if I wanted to leave.<p>

There was pain, and there was a lot of it. So much that I barely could move on my own.  
>At first it started creeping up on me slowly while I watched Leo and Karai fight. But at that point it was nothing and I could easily ignore it.<br>I was way morn concerned with watching my brother defend me from being murdered by a psychopath...that I had lead him to.  
>It started progressively getting worse throughout their fight.<br>I started sweating and my throat felt like it was closing up. I coughed a few times to try to breathe, but it never helped.  
>Whatever Karai gave me to paralyze me was definitely causing this...but my condition wasn't important. Leo not getting killed was all that mattered.<br>At some point, it became impossible to follow the fight anymore. My vision was blurred and it took all of my concentration to breathe. I sounded like I was hyperventilating...in fact, I was doing just that.  
>I couldn't see Leo anymore. Just shapes that were going in and out of focus.<br>Something was happening to me. I had felt like this before, it was vaguely familiar...but the ever increasing pain prevented me from remembering anything.  
>I couldn't even register the world around me.<br>And then I felt Leo's presence beside me. I felt his hand touch my shoulder, followed by his arms wrapping around me and hoisting me up.  
>Being vertical for the first time in hours made me want to hurl.<br>I was totally in and out for the next few minutes.  
>I remembered going out the doors, I remembered seeing the walls of an ally. It was all so blurred and fuzzy. I couldn't tell what was happening. It was like I was totally drunk.<br>Leo dragged my weight along as I just tried to breathe.  
>At one point, one of Leo's hands was on my face, forcing me to look up at him. I couldn't see him clearly, but I saw the color blue.<br>I knew I was looking directly at my brother, and in that moment, blue became my new favorite color.  
>But just as quickly as I could register the color, it went away as Leo's hand pulled back and I was out again.<br>The next thing I remembered was Leo's whispering. I could barely hear him over the ringing that was beginning to plague my ears.  
>"Raph-I need-grab-my shoulders. I-do it-you can."<br>I tried but I could barely move.  
>More whispering.<br>"Please-bro."  
>I knew we were in some kind of trouble. I didn't know exactly what was going on, but I knew Leo wouldn't leave me behind. And that was what I cared about. Leo getting out of there. I had caused this, it wasn't fair for him to suffer because of me.<br>The only way Leo would make it out was if I could do what I thought he was asking of me.  
>Somehow through that pain and disorientation, I felt my arms wrap around what I assumed to be Leo's shoulders. His hands fell on mind and locked them tightly in place. I was glued to his back.<br>The ground was gone.  
>I think Leo was climbing while carrying me...<br>Then I was sitting against a wall. And Leo left me. I was alone.  
>With all my energy, I looked all around and tried to see him, but it was just a sea of blurred dark colors.<br>"Leo..." I croaked weakly, surprised I could still speak through the pain I was feeling.  
>My body felt like liquid fire was radiating throughout my veins. My organs felt like they were melting inside of my shell. My lungs felt like they were shriveled up and unusable.<br>I was dying, there was no denying it. These were the last few moments of my life and I wouldn't ever get to tell Leo how sorry I was for all that I had done.  
>I looked down at my body sprawled out below me and was amazed at how it wasn't on fire with the burning I felt.<br>"Raph?" Leo's voice suddenly appeared beside me.  
>He hadn't left me. He was still there.<br>It was the first time I had felt some relief in hours. Now it was just a matter of what I could say to him during these last few minutes I had.  
>I didn't know if he could tell how badly I was doing...but if I looked as bad as I felt, he was probably worried as hell.<br>"Raph can you hear me buddy?" he asked louder.  
>I could hear him clearly now that he wasn't whispering.<br>"Yeah," I coughed between words. "I can hear you, Fearless."  
>I used all of my strength to talk. I used everything I had in me just so Leo wouldn't know how much pain I was in. If these were our last few moments together, I didn't want him to know how badly I suffered, because if I knew my brother as well as I know I did, he'd blame himself.<br>"Damn it, Raph," was his response. "What the hell have you gotten yourself into?"  
>In my entire life, I'd only seen Leo cry a handful of times.<br>There were the few times when we were kids, when he'd gotten hurt or when he was in trouble. Those were rare, but they happened.  
>As the years went by, the occurrences got less frequent.<br>There was the time Space Heroes got cancelled, though he'd never actually admit to it. I heard him in his room.  
>The most recent time was he stayed behind on the Technodrome, watching us as we all got away. And when he made it out, and we were all hugging on the last Kraang escape pod, knowing that he had done it. That he had saved us, and that he had saved the world.<br>It had been months since I'd seen even a small sign of tears from my older brother.  
>At that moment, he looked like he was on the verge of losing it.<br>And in that moment, I became suddenly overwhelmed by exhaustion.  
>I could feel my eyes start to close.<br>"RAPH," Leo boomed, shaking me.  
>Shaking me...without touching me. My own body had convulsed, and God did it hurt. I gritted my teeth and prayed he didn't know.<br>"Sorry!" he quickly spilled out an apology, as if it were his fault. "Sorry..."  
>It was silent for a few more moments. A few moments drenched in pain and heavy breathing.<br>"How are you feeling?" he asked me.  
>I knew there was no point in lying. He could clearly see my distressed state.<br>"Everything hurts," I told him as calmly as I could.  
>He went on to tell me that Donnie had ordered him to keep me awake, and that he wanted to just...talk.<br>I didn't know how attentive I could be. It was only a matter of time until I succumbed to the pain that was eating me from the inside and the darkness that was creeping over my vision took over completely.  
>Leo grew quiet for a few moments and I heard him slightly gasp.<br>"We match," I think he said.  
>I was utterly confused by what he could have possibly meant.<br>"We match," he said again. "We both have _**scars**_ on our shoulders."  
>It took me a moment to remember the cut on my plastron, and my heart sank as I realized he was right. We had both given each other scars without ever intending to. His inability to use his weapon correctly years ago, and my inability to protect him from Karai that night...<br>It was killing me. My _**scars**_ were completely accidental, and his were my own fault. My failure to protect him. The fact that I had almost gotten him killed so many times tonight...  
>It was all me.<br>"I'm sorry I let this happen," I swore I heard him whisper.  
>No. He couldn't be serious. He couldn't blame all of this on himself...<br>One strenuous glance at his eyes told me otherwise.  
>"I'm sorry I let you leave, I'm sorry I let you end up like this. I'm sorry you're in pain because of me."<br>I was stunned at his never ending list of things he was sorry for. Things that were all my fault. I couldn't take it.  
>"I'm sorry I let you—"<br>"Shut up, Leo," I cut him off. "Just shut the fuck up please."  
>I knew I was fading fast and this was it. I knew I only had enough strength left to say one more thing, and I was going to make it count.<br>"This isn't your fault," I told him. "It's mine. I was the one who left, I was the one who made the deal with Karai…"  
>"What deal...?" he asked, genuinely confused.<br>"I made a deal with Karai to take out Master Splinter…" I choked out, the guilt I felt earlier returning in full force.  
>He was silently begging me for clarification, and I would give it to him. He deserved it all.<br>"I was sick of it," I began. "I was sick of seeing you guys treat Splinter like he had done nothing wrong. You almost died because of him Leo, and that has been eating at me for months now.  
>"I couldn't take it anymore, and Karai offered me a deal: she said she would take care of him and we wouldn't have to worry about the stupid feud between Shredder and Splinter anymore. She said we could have walked away. I agreed only for you guys."<br>I could feel myself slipping. I could feel my body refusing to fight anymore. I had to talk faster, I had to finish. There was no other option.  
>"But I've come to realize why it was a mistake," I began speaking frantically. "I realize that, no matter how much I hated him for disarming you, it was actually my fault. I should have been better. Then you wouldn't have had to jump in the way. I can blame Master Splinter all I want, but in the end, it was my fault. I just want you to know that, if I die tonight, I died knowing I have been blaming the wrong person all this time. And I want you to know that I'm sorry, and that I love you guys. That if me dying right here means I protected our family, than I died in peace."<br>I closed my eyes then, unable to keep them open.  
>I was done.<br>Leo said something. I knew he did. I heard his voice, but I couldn't make out what he had said.  
>I forced my eyes as open as I could, and watched his mouth move. But heard no sounds. It was the strangest thing, to see him crying and so emotional in whatever he was telling me...and not knowing what it was.<br>I wanted to know. So badly.  
>"Huh...?" I managed to mumble before blackness overtook the world around me.<p>

My eyes were open, I knew they were, but all I could see was black.  
>Well, mostly black, aside from the one circle of light on the floor I was standing on.<br>All the pain I felt earlier, it was gone. I was okay.  
>I could breathe and move and function like a normal turtle again.<br>It was a cause for celebration...mostly.  
>I looked around, and all I could see was darkness.<br>"Hello...?" I called out.  
>My voice echoed a few rounds before it faded away into nothing.<br>Was I dead? Was this hell?  
>No...no, I knew about this place. I had just never been here.<br>Leo...Leo was the one who warned me about it.

_"Are you sure you don't want to talk about anything, Raph?" Leo pressed me for the millionth time.  
>I sighed and kept my eyes on the ceiling of my bedroom.<br>"Leo, if I had any problems, you'd be the first time know," I lied for the millionth time.  
>In all honesty, I could have ranted to him about my feelings about that night, I could have talked. But it was just easier to stay quiet. He couldn't possibly understand, he was on Splinter's side.<br>"I don't believe you," he challenged, frustrated.  
>"Well then let's try this," I finally turned to look at him, aggravated. "Why don't you try to be open with me? Why don't you tell me all about that night from your perspective so you can see just how easy it is being open, Leo? Go ahead."<br>He was silent for a moment. I looked away from him, thinking I had won and that he would leave me alone.  
>And then he drew a breath.<br>"I don't know how to describe it," he said quietly. "I was in and out for a lot of the night. I was in a weird place."  
>"We all were," I replied.<br>"No, I mean I was literally in a weird place," he said again, causing me to look back over at him.  
>He kept his eyes on the floor and his fingers traced awkward shapes on the floor.<br>"It was...dark. It was cold. It was lonely. It was like I was between life and death. I felt horrible there, alone and freezing and I didn't know what to do. I was terrified.  
>"And there was this light. This light that the closer I got to, the better it made me feel. I wanted nothing more than to do go it, to not feel the ways that I felt."<br>He stopped and bit his lip.  
>"What stopped you from going?" I asked, curious and genuinely intrigued by what he was telling me.<br>Was there really a place between life and death?  
>"You did," he whispered. "You and Mikey and Donnie. You guys told me to stay, you guys told me to fight. And I didn't feel so alone anymore. I did what I had to do for you guys, because that's what family does. They support each other and help each other through whatever their going through.<br>"That was the lesson I learned there, Raph. And I hope you never have to go to that place. But at the same time, I hope you understand that you were the one who brought me out of there, and I couldn't have made it without you. You helped me, and I wish you'd let me help you."  
>With that he rose and strode out of my room, giving me the privacy I thought I had wanted.<br>For the rest of the night, I had two things on my mind. I wondered if I'd ever see that place Leo had described.  
>And I wondered if he'd be there if I ever did.<br>_***  
>This was it. This was the place. The place that Leo had been, the place where Leo almost...<br>It was almost exactly like he had told me it was. There was blackness. There was a chill. So that had to mean that my family was somewhere here...  
>I looked everywhere for him. He'd told me that I had been there for him when he was here. Now I needed him to be here for me.<br>And he wasn't. Nor was Donnie or Mikey or anyone.  
>I was alone. I was completely and utterly alone.<br>That light that Leo told me about wasn't there either. It was nothing. There was nothing. I was lost in an ocean of nothing.  
>What was I supposed to do? Was I stuck here? How long was I stuck here for? Would I ever leave? Would I ever see anybody again?<br>I lost track of the time. I walked all around in the dark with my little circle of light staying faithfully underneath me with every step I took. I had no sense of direction of place, my feet carried me.  
>I counted seconds every now and then, but I would get to the 200''s and lose patience, frustrated that there was nothing or no one to save me.<br>I was losing my sanity. I was trapped in my head inside of this world.  
>But maybe this was what I deserved. Maybe being here was a punishment for the wrong I had done to Leo and to Splinter.<br>Splinter...  
>I had apologized to Leo with what I assumed was my dying breath. I never got to tell Splinter that I was sorry.<br>That I was sorry for what I had said. That I was sorry I blamed him for everything that happened to Leo when I shared the blame too. That I was sorry I didn't _**trust**_ him.  
>Didn't <em><strong>trust<strong>_ both him and Leo.  
>And that lack of <em><strong>trust<strong>_ lead to _**scars.**_ So many _**scars**_.  
>So that's what I did. I resolved that, if I ever made it out of here, I would work on those issues. And I would do whatever it took to make things right with my family. I was the one who tore us apart, I would be the one who pulled us back together.<br>I owed them that much...  
>Time was utterly frozen in this place. The more I walked, the less hopeful I became that I would ever leave.<br>I never saw anything new; no light, no people. It was just me and my regrets. And my resolve.  
>I spent time wondering what my family was doing on the other side. Were they okay? Was Mikey still smiling? Was Donnie still inventing? Was Leo still leading? Was Splinter still training them?<br>I missed it. I missed my family.  
>I wanted to go home.<br>I needed to go home.  
>And I cried. I fell to my knees and I cried that I wouldn't ever get to see any of them ever again. That I'd forever be stuck in this dark and empty place.<br>There was nothing I could do, so I screamed.  
>I screamed up at the darkness above me and hoped somehow, they could hear me.<br>"GUYS!" I shouted with all the force I had. "GUYS I'M SORRY! I'm sorry I'm an awful brother and said what I said. I was angry and confused and hurt. I should have known I didn't have to be alone, I'm sorry I didn't go to you guys. I'm sorry, I just need you to know that I'm sorry..."  
>The might not ever hear my words, but if I had to go, I wanted to know I at least said them...<br>"_Raph..._" Leo's voice sounded all around me.  
>It was the first sound i had heard in so long. And it was the best thing I had ever heard in my life.<br>_"I guess I should start with I'm sorry,"_ Leo's voice continued slowly. _"I'm sorry for everything that happened and I'm sorry you ended up like this. I'm sorry for not talking to you when it was obvious you needed me. I'm sorry for not being the leader you needed me to be._  
><em>"I could sit here and rattle off apologies to you for the rest of forever, but that's not all I have to say. I want you to know that…everything I am…well, everything I try to be is for you. And Donnie and Mikey. I try to do everything in you guys' better interest, and I know I screw up sometimes. But that's why I have you, bro. You keep me in check. You make sure I don't always mess up and when I do, you motivate me to fix it.<em>  
><em>"I can't live without that, Raph. You gotta fight this with everything you've got. And I know you, and how good of a fight you can put up. If you fight this with the same ferocity you fight me with on a daily basis, you'd wake up.<em>  
><em>"You can do this, bro. I believe in you. We all do. So come on.<em>"  
>No. No way. There was no way Leo <em>still <em>blamed himself.  
>I couldn't accept that. wouldn't accept that. He needed to know that it wasn't him. I needed him to know that it wasn't him.<br>I refused to die and let him feel like that for the rest of his life.  
>I refused to leave him.<p>

Something changed. The darkness that I had spent God knows how long in had changed. I couldn't see my circle of light anymore. The temperature changed.  
>I kept myself perfectly still, totally unaware of what I had done or what was happening. My lungs started burning from my lack of movement, causing me to cough a few times with rapid intakes of air.<br>And there were more voices.  
>"Is he..." I recognized Mikey.<br>"Raph," Leo's voice came back, stronger and close to me. "Come back to us, bro."  
>I was back. I don't know how or what I did, but I was back. I knew I was.<br>And above anything else, in that moment, they needed to know I was okay.  
>So I turned my head towards Leo's voice and opened my eyes. It took a few seconds for my sight to readjust to the living world, but they did.<br>And i said the first thing I could think of.  
>"Don't be so...dramatic, Leo."<br>Well, speaking took a little more effort than I had anticipated, but I was definitely back.  
>"Oh my God, bro!" Mikey exploded from behind Leo. "We didn't think you'd pull through!"<br>"It's a miracle that you did," Donnie smiled softly. "But I guess the rest of your body is as tough as your head…"  
>"Heh," I laughed, trying to hold back the tears I felt pricking at my eyes from the joy of seeing them all again. "You guys—should know that—it's hard—to—keep me down."<br>Definitely back, but definitely still weak...  
>That was when my eyes finally met Leo's for the first time in I didn't know how long. And we didn't need any words.<br>I said thank you without the words. He looked at me and he understood.  
>"Well?" he turned to Donnie.<br>"The worst is past us," Donnie explained. "Raph's gonna be down and out of action for the next few days for sure while his body totally recovers, but for the most part, he's through the toughest parts."  
>Before any of them could look back at me, I finally noticed Master Splinter behind them, looking at me with a mixture of sadness and relief.<br>And honestly...he looked like shit. He looked like he hadn't eaten or slept in days. Could I have really been out that long? Could he have stayed by my side and watched over me, despite everything I had done and said to him?  
>I remembered the promise I had made to myself while I was lost.<br>"My sons, I need to speak to Raphael privately," Master Splinter said.  
>Leo looked over at me like he was nervous, and I guess I had given him the right to feel that way. But I was going to make this right, and it was his turn to <em><strong>trust<strong>_ me.  
>I gave him a small nod.<br>Donnie helped me sit up and looked over me one last time before he deemed me stable enough to be left without medical surveillance.  
>Slowly, my brothers left the room, and for the first time in months, I was alone with Master Splinter.<br>I was alone with my _father_.  
>Neither of us knew how to begin. I was fumbling for words, and he was just looking over me.<br>That was when his arms draped around my shoulders. And he pulled me into a hug.  
>It was warm and tight and just...everything it needed to be. It was everything I had needed for months.<br>I hugged him back, praying he understood how horrible I felt for what I had done.  
>"Raphael," he began as he let go and pulled back.<br>"No, Sensei," I formally addressed him for the first time in months. "I need to speak."  
>His eyes grew wide as more tears started to spill over.<br>I drew in a deep breath, hoping I could accurately tell him what I was feeling.  
>"I guess the best way for me to begin," I started. "is by telling you that you could never understand how sorry I am. You know me, Sensei. I get angry and I just...I say stuff. Stuff I don't really mean.<br>"And I'm sorry for everything I've done. I'm sorry for the months of hell I've put you guys through because I thought I was right. I didn't...I messed up. I didn't _**trust**_ you or Leo or the others enough to know that you had a reason for what you did. I don't need to know the reason, because I realize now that you deserve so much more respect that I can give you. And I'm sorry it took all of this for me to realize that I've been horrible. And that I won't let this happen again. I'll be better from now on. I'll..."  
>I stopped, because I didn't know what I was saying anymore. I just hoped like hell he could understand.<br>I had never been good with words and feelings...  
>"That is what is so special about you, Raphael," he told me. "You are so unafraid to use how you feel, and it's hat makes you such an important part of this family. Of our family."<br>I choked up, and the tears I had been holding back finally spilled over. the fact that he said our family. The fact that he still wanted me after everything I had done.  
>The fact that we were all still together, <em><strong>scars<strong>_ or not.  
>"Thank you," I told him, not knowing what else I should say.<br>There was still so much I wanted to say, so much that I needed to say...but I couldn't find the words for it.  
>In fact...I started to feel sick again. Not anywhere near as badly as the first time...but definitely enough to make me notice.<br>I started slightly freaking out again.  
>I think that was evident on my face because Master Splinter called for Donatello, who came back into the room with some pills and water.<br>"Your system was pretty badly damaged," Donnie told me as he handed me the meds. "It's going to take a few weeks for all your tissues to heal and your cells to build up their..."  
>He stopped, knowing full well that I didn't need a science talk...nor would I understand it.<br>I swallowed the pills down and Donnie helped me off the table I had been laying on.  
>Leo came through the door and appeared at my side seconds later. His arm tucked under my own and he supported most of my weight.<br>"I'll take you back to your own room, bro," he told me. "You probably want to sleep in your own bed tonight."  
>"But I still have stuff to say..." I protested.<br>"And you have all the time in the world to say it," Leo smiled down at me. "Now that you're back home and with all of us."  
>I sighed, happy that he was right.<br>I had time. With my family. I was back, and we were all ready to heal. Together.  
>I wouldn't let these <em><strong>scars<strong>_ last forever.

End.


End file.
